Microcosms of You

I Discovered

I hate you.

I discovered a lot of things about you. You are funny, eccentric, and adventurous. You are so handsome. You deserve all my love. You loved me. Understood me. Owned me. You knew everything about me. You supplied words when I have none. You are talkative. You start every other conversation. You are really a handful. Infuriating, at times. But, you are definitely adorable. You are mine. You have my heart in your right hand. Sadly, you held the knife in your left.

I discovered a lot of things about choices. They are hard, puzzling, and mind-breaking. They are a thousand in population. They deserve to be pondered upon. They haunt me. Taunt me. Taint me. They know everything about my thoughts. They supplied my decisions when I can't make one. They are there. They are existent. They are always at the back of my mind. They are picking at every inch of my brain. Beautiful, at times. But they are definitely unavoidable. They are in me. They have the key to my soul. Sadly, they held the answer to the questions in my head.

I discovered a lot of things about feelings. They are enchanting, crazy, and comforting. They come in bunches. They deserve to be felt, to be expressed. They find me. Hold me. Bind me. They know everything about my heart. They supplied me for all the times I am lost and I am no one. They are real. They are felt. They are always at the palm of my hand. They are doing their best to make me agreeable. Confusing, at times. But they are definitely inevitable. They are inside me heart. They held the time in their hands. Sadly, they threatened to let go.

I discovered a lot of good things when I met you. Unfortunately, I discovered a lot of bad things too.

I discovered a lot of things about pain. It is abstract, recondite, and obscure. It is scary. It deserved me, because I made a mistake. It chases me. Strangles me. Chokes me. It knows everything about me. It supplied all the emotion that I need to feel this time and date. It is here. Finally here. It lurks in the shadows back when we started. It is doing its best to make me sad. Painful, at times. But, that's just how pain is. It hurts you. Makes you immobile. Tightens your chest. Locks your heart. It is always in me. It held my well-being in its hand. Sadly, it clenched its fingers, shattering all that I am.

I discovered a lot of things about love. It is deep, dangerous and degrading. It is terrifying. I thought I deserved it, but I made a mistake. It hovers over me. Restrains me. Kills me. It is everything to me. It supplied all the feelings I can get when I have none. It exists, but I threw it. It is behind every little thing we do. It is doing its best to remind me that you are gone. Nostalgic, at times. But, that is what love is trying to make you. It invades your thoughts. Feeding it. Making it remember the good times. It is our nature. We are humans. Love held what was left of myself. Sadly, it inherited the knife in your hand.

I discovered that no matter how I try, your back will be always to me. That it will never turn around again. That you will never come back.

I discovered that promises are meant to be broken. There is no promise that can be remembered. I remember all those words you said, I just don't remember how you made that happen.

I discovered a lot of things about myself too. I was naive, gullible and a fool. I believe too much. I look inside you too much that I see the good in it. I am easily fooled. I am worthless. I made myself like this. I never listen. I am never learn. I am a failure.

I should thank you. I discovered tons of things with you. I learned everything love has for me. I am never doing this again.

Sadly, I discovered that there is no turning back. Once I say it, I am never going to get over it. But, I have to. Unless I drive myself insane trying to tamper it down, because...

I discovered that I love you. I still do. Even after what happened.

I love you.