Powder [phan]

IV

A little party. I knew some of the people there, didn't want to jump into the freezing water right away. I talked to some people, played party games and then I saw him: Tyler. Pretty, big, blue eyes, dark hair, a smile to melt away. I question the existence of my heterosexuality.

Maybe the few beers too much were the reason why I dared to speak to him after he had smiled at me from afar a few times. He was nice, we laughed a lot and I knew I had never felt anything like it. We exchanged our numbers.

I actually expected it to stay there. A little gay experience, everyone had it, right? I was surprised when he called two days later, telling me that he had been wondering whether to call or not. I was happy that he had called me and one evening later we met again in a small restaurant.

We ate, drank red wine and it was as if we had known each other forever. We were on the same level, had many common interests.

"This is my first date. With a guy, I mean." I confessed at some point, but he just started grinning.

"I'm glad." We clinked glasses, laughed and a few hours later I found myself in his apartment. It was small, but it did reveal something about him. A guitar was hanging on the wall, he had a record player with some records that were on a shelf next to it. It was cozy. I was warm and I didn't know if it was the wine or him.

I paused in the middle of his apartment.

"You are so shy. It's cute." I felt my face blush and swallowed hard. "Daniel, I like you, that's why I want to be honest with you before this gets serious."

"Okay." Of course there was a fucking catch. He was married or a serial killer or from the CIA. Anything I wouldn't like. At least he wanted it to be serious. He likes me.

"I'm HIV positive." He said suddenly and I swallowed hard. That was the least I expected. I blinked a few times until I understood that it was all.

"Okay, but you're fine so far, aren't you?" Frankly, that was all I was interested in and Tyler laughed with relief.

"You have no problem with that?" He asked incredulously, coming closer to me, whereupon my heart started to beat faster. So that's what everyone means by gay panic.

"I mean, there are condoms."

"I guess there are." He grinned and I felt his hand on my waist. My eyes jumped back and forth between his eyes and lips and I was convinced that I was going to have a heart attack. My arms just hung down my body, felt way too heavy. I would die if he didn't kiss me, wouldn't I?

"Can I kiss you?" I nodded immediately, still staring at his lips, that were on mine a second later. It was a quick kiss, innocent, not demanding.

When he broke away from me it felt like I was flying. I let the moment take hold of me, trying to gauge whether I liked it or not, whereupon I put my hand on his cheek and connected our lips again. We kissed and I was completely convinced that I loved it.

After we broke up again, I had to laugh. Partly because I was happy and the other part because I was so damn inexperienced that I felt like a virgin who had never done anything to anyone before.

"Sorry, I'm akward." I laughed, but Tyler just gently ran his hand trough my hair.

"No, everything is fine. It's all good." He grinned. "Go home, Daniel. Let that work on you. Can you go home like this? "

"Yes, I think I'm completely sober again." I laughed and we slowly separated. He was right, I should go home and not rush it. "I'll call you tomorrow?"