Powder [phan]

IV

"Sure?" He asked and I just nodded.

"Lie down, you need a round of good sleep." He did what I told him, crawled under my covers, whereupon I slowly covered him up and smiled softly at him.

"Thank you, Phil." He said softly, after which I just kissed his forehead.

"Sleep well. I'm right next door, yeah?" He nodded, whereupon I switched off the light and disappeared into the living room.

Dan's POV

Now I was lying here alone in Phil's room staring at the ceiling. I had tried to fall asleep for a few minutes, but gave up shortly afterwards. It wouldn't work anyway. Hopeless.

Phil was too good to me. I didn't know exactly what was going on with myself, but he seemed to have done the right thing. His bed smelled like him, making sure I was doing well and badly at the same time, if this is possible. Phil was always good to me. And honest. I was the complete opposite.

I got up uncertainly and ran back and forth in his room, hoping that in some corner would be the answer to my questions. What questions actually? What's wrong with me?

Coke. God, I wanted coke. I didn't want to think about the other stuff, I wanted coke. I bit my hand, narrowed my eyes, tried to switch off all thoughts, but it didn't work.

Tyler.

It always felt like a stab in my heart. Or to the shitty place where my heart used to be. I swallowed hard, looked out the window.

Without thinking much about it, I slowly walked into the living room where Phil was still awake. The light was off, I only saw him because of the light on his display. I said nothing, didn't turn on the light, just went into the room and let myself fall on the other side of the couch.

Phil looked at me in confusion, sat up slightly.

"Tyler was my boyfriend. My first boyfriend. The love of my fucking life, call it what you want. So that's Tyler and I really don't want to talk about it." It just gushed out of me, whereupon I looked briefly at Phil, who swallowed hard and then I looked down again. He sat down cross-legged and put his cell phone aside, whereupon it became completely dark. Maybe it was easier that way.

"I don't want to force you to tell me about it, honestly not." I looked up, felt a tear leave my eye. "But I think it would be really good if you would tell me."

"What's supposed to be good about it?" I asked contemptuously. "Then someone would know? Then I would have shared the pain? Bullshit, Phil. You can't share pain. You would only know and then, huh? Then what?"

"Maybe I could understand you better."

"You don't want to understand me." I said hsaking my head and bit my hand again lightly. It was silent for a couple of seconds.

"He hurt you, right?" He asked so damn carefully, and yet it broke my heart. I swallowed hard, felt tears rise in my eyes and nodded, hoping that he would see it.

"I will never hurt you, Dan."

"I know." I said softly, hearing my voice break anyway. Fuck it. I wouldn't get around it anyway, would I? Better sooner than later. I honestly preferred never.

~~~

It was so harmless how it all started.

I didn't want to be the shy little orphan from Manchester anymore. I wanted to put up with more, to grow up. Oliver and Phil thought it was a good idea, they had no idea what was going to happen.