The Pal List

Chapter 10

Wednesday, October 31st

School goes by in a blur. Some kids jump out from behind corners to try and scare people walking by because they think they're funny, teachers hand out candy in every class, and we play "monster ball" in gym class. Typical Halloween behavior.

After school, Kaisey, Ben and I head over to the bakery and help out for a few hours. We usually aren't open on Wednesdays, but my grandpa wanted to open and makes some cookies to give out to kids for free. So, the three of us put some capes on and stand behind the counter and hand out cookies to adorable children for a few hours.

Around 8 o'clock, we start our movie marathon. We have a room in our basement with a big, soft sectional couch and a flat screen television mounted on the wall. It's hosted many game nights, movie nights and study dates over the years. We haven't been down here much this year, so being here again feels safe and special.

Kaisey and I are sitting right next to each other because neither of us are big fans of scary movies, but we watch them anyways. Ben, tough guy, is sitting on the floor by himself. He occasionally grabs one of our legs to scare us and is successful every time. We're halfway through The Conjuring when he actually jumps so badly that his butt leaves the ground. He then proceeds to join us on the couch. Right between us.

"Not such a tough guy now, huh?" Kaisey says.

"I just came up here so you guys aren't scared." he says, but he doesn't even make it through the sentence without laughing.

We watch another movie after The Conjuring and only take a break when my dad makes us a snack or one of us has to use the bathroom which, for Kaisey and me, is at least once every twenty minutes. Every time one of us jumps, we all jump, which makes us all laugh. So the past four hours have consisted of jumping, laughing and eating popcorn. This is how life is supposed to be for us, whether Jude is here or not. We'd be doing this with or without him, and although it stings that he's not here, I'm happy that Ben and Kaisey are.

The second movie ends, and the three of us simultaneously lay on the floor without anyone saying to. This is where we usually are when we have our deep conversations. It's where we were the last time we were with Jude, and the night after he left. It's where we were when Kaisey's boyfriend Josh broke up with her in tenth grade. He was an asshole. It's where we came when my grandpa died, and when Ben's parents were fighting one night and he snuck out.

"I think I stopped checking my phone." Kaisey says.

'What?" Ben asks. I'm confused too.

"For a text or a call from Jude. Not that I'd ever be the one he'd call, but I think I stopped checking." She's probably right that she wouldn't be the first one he'd call, but I wish she didn't feel that way. Jude loved Kaisey like a sister and I know she misses him as much as Ben and I do.

"I don't check as much anymore, but I don't think I've stopped. There's always that little bit of hope, you know?" I say.

"Yeah," Kaisey says. Ben is silent.

"Ben?"

"That day in the hallway, I don't know if you remember. You were talking about something and I ran off."

"I remember." I say. The day Tanner asked me to tutor him.

"I got a text message from a blocked number."

"What? What did it say?" I ask.

Kaisey and I are both staring at Ben now, lying on the floor next to him and awaiting his answer.

"It just said 'breathe'" he says, "I didn't really know what it meant. And I don't think it was Jude. But ever since then I've been jumping every time my phone buzzes. I haven't stopped checking, not even a little bit."

"Why didn't you tell us that?" I ask

"Well, he told me," Kaisey says. Feeling a little betrayed, I look up at the ceiling and lay my hands on my chest.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, trying not to show my disappointment.

"I didn't want to give you any hope." Ben says. Tears start to form in my eyes. What if that text was Jude? Maybe it's a good thing Ben didn't tell me that day because now my head is spinning.

"Halle, I know how much you still love him because I see it in your eyes every day. And all I want is for you to be okay, and I thought that if I gave you any sliver of hope, it would just hurt you more every day he doesn't come back. I'm sorry."

"It's okay I understand. Thanks." Tears are now rolling down my cheeks, but I don't feel myself crying. Kaisey wipes my tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

I turn to Ben. "So why'd you tell Kaisey?"

"She followed me into the boys' locker room after lunch and told me she wasn't going to leave until I told her what was on my phone."

"I get what I want" Kaisey says. I laugh. We're quiet for a few seconds while we all think about what to say.

"I think we're going to be okay." Ben says in a convincing tone.

"Yeah," Kaisey says in a whisper. I close my eyes and think about the future. I think about going to college and keeping in touch with only my family and Ben and Kaisey, and maybe Tanner. I think about what my life might be like after I graduate from college, not that I have any clue what I want to do. I do know that I want to have a family. And I want to enjoy whatever I do. I want Kaisey and Ben to enjoy whatever they do, too. I can't wait to be there for their families. Hopefully their kids call me Aunt Halle. Or just Halle.

I think Ben will find a girl in college, but she's going to have to go through Kaisey and me. She's going to have to be perfect for him, or we won't allow it. And Kaisey, she's going to find a guy that knows how much she's worth. He'll deal with her clumsiness and forgetfulness, just like we do.

I open my eyes and look at the two of them. Both of them have their eyes shut, too. I wonder what they're thinking about. I look back up at the ceiling and shut my eyes again. It's all going to be okay, no matter what happens.