This isn't paradise

Chapter 40

"Baby, guess what?!" I hear Dallas's raspy sleepy voice in my ear.

"What?" I yawn and sit up.

I feel my stomach turn and I hunch over. Dallas grabs a white trash can beside me and I feel my dinner come up. I cough a couple times as Dallas holds my hair and the trash can for me.

After I'm finished, Dallas sets the trash can down and rubs my back. I hold my head and look around. We are still in the hospital, so all I'm seeing is pristine white.

Today we are aloud to go home with angel. I was aloud to go home yesterday after my chemo, but angel needed more care and I wasn't leaving her.

"Is angel ready?" I ask. "I don't want to stay here any longer. It's depressing."

Dallas nods his head. "I know. I'll go get her."
And with that he is out of the door.

I get up out of the small one person bed Dallas and I shared, walk over to my bag with clothes and toiletries in it. I change from Dallas's shirt and my shorts to yoga pants and a sweatshirt. One, that's basically all I have. Dallas only brought me an outfit and himself an outfit. I happened to find the shorts in the side pocket of my old cheerleading bag. I have been waring hospital gowns, so yoga pants is suddenly a luxury.

After I brush my teeth and comb my long hair, Dallas still isn't back yet, so I grab all my things and start slowly walking down the hallway. My bones and joints hurt, I think the doctor said that was a side effect to the chemo. I can barley lift the bag.

As I walk down the hallway, I keep my eyes averted to the ground and away from people who look at me. I try and smile, to show I'm okay, but that have this remorseful look on their faces.

I finally get the whole way to the nursery and I thank god for it. I don't think I could stand one more person looking at me. They all know who I am. They know all of my flaws. They know everything about me.

I walk through the door and set down our small bag. I look around the blue and pink colored room. Their are at least 10 incubators, only a few with babies in them. A couple with a smile on their face, takes their small baby ,with a blue hat on his head, and cradles him in their arms.

They are going to have him for the rest of their life. They are going to see him learn to walk. They will drop him off on his first day of kindergarten. He will probably cry and hold onto his mother, begging not to leave her temporarily.

I'll never have that. I'll only have my daughter for a month or so. She will be begging to stay with me. She won't get to come back. I can't come pick her up. She is so tiny. She is so beautiful. She is so perfect.

Tears spill down my cheeks, but as soon as I look over at Dallas in the corner, I smile and wipe them. Dallas holds angel in his arms and rocks her in the rocking chair. I see him speaking softly to her, but I can't hear. His thumb softly brushes her cheek and her tiny fists fidget in the air.

He faces sideways to me, so I decide to slowly sneak up behind him and hear what he is saying.

"I know, I know, baby. I'm not going to be the best daddy you could ask for. But I'm going to try my hardest." His voice speaks softy, I can barley hear him.

"But your going to have the best mommy. She is sick, but that's okay." He pauses.
"You know, when I first met your mommy, I was a jerk. I wasn't very nice to her. But I remember what she was wearing. She had this black crop top shirt, with shorts and heels. She looked gorgeous, like she always does."

He looks at the ground while he rocks angel back and forth.

"She looked invincible. That's because she is." He looks down at angel, his hair falling to his forehead.

"Your mommy is strong. She is going to get better and we are all going to be happy."
A tear falls from his eye as he smiles and falls onto angels blanket.

"I promise." He whispers.

To bad that promise is a lie.