Hold Me Close (Sequel To Take Me Home and Keep Me Safe)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Plus, he missed the routine.
Being at school, seeing his friends, going to classes and coming home to do homework...it filled the empty hours, allowed him to forget. It was a distraction from everything else going on inside his own mind, and he wanted it back.

He knew it was for the wrong reasons, and his Dad did too - which was exactly why he wasn't being allowed back for a whole other term.

"Yeah. Dad said I couldn't go back right away," he murmured, and he could sense Louis studying him from his profile for a moment before the other thirteen year old nodded.

"No, I think he's right," he answered, taking Niall by surprise. He frowned across at his brother, because Louis rarely took their parents' side on anything. "Just...nobody wants things to go back to how they were before. That was where everything went wrong the first time."

Niall hesitated, knowing his brother was right. Harry had turned to observe the conversation after putting the cake into the case and then the oven, leaning back on the counter opposite and holding onto it with whitened knuckles.

"We all just want what's best for you, dude," he commented with a soft smile, and Niall felt his throat swell up with an unknown emotion, eyes growing a little watery at all the warmth directed towards him in that moment. "You gotta start wanting that too," he added quietly.

Niall stayed quiet then, ducking his head and sniffing back the tears.

It's Christmas, a voice in his head hissed, and you're spoiling it for everyone by being miserable.

He didn't want to cry.
He didn't want to upset his brothers.
He wanted to be normal, and he wanted to be able to do what his brother had just said and want the best thing for himself.

But he didn't feel as though he deserved it.

He nodded anyway. An appeasement if nothing else.

It seemed to do the job, because Harry smiled and Louis hooked an arm around his back and tugged him closer so that they were side by side. Niall sank into the half-embrace, taking a deep breath in an attempt to subdue the stormy thoughts clouding his mind.

The clicking of paws against the kitchen floor broke through the hush of the room then, and Niall smiled softly at the sight of Cooper. The dog let out a happy bark before stopping by his feet, never jumping up roughly but rather stretching his head forward until Niall scuffed his palm against his head.

Everyone else began to flood into the room then, the conversation following them. Harry shot Niall a look that questioned whether he was alright with the crown now, and he gave a small nod.

Better than before.
Always better than before but never quite good.

Papa replaced Louis beside him when his twin began to help their Dad lay the table, the man smiling softly at him.

"You feeling okay, Bug?" he asked gently, and Niall gave a shaky nod. Closer to the truth this time.

He didn't feel as though everyone was watching him. The company was no longer suffocating, just breathable.

"M'okay Papa," he murmured, glancing up at the uncertain expression on the man's face before smiling a tiny but genuine smile. "I'm not lying."

Papa studied him for a moment before he cracked a smile of his own, nodding. "You just let me know if that changes and we'll go for a walk or something. Just me and you, okay?" he asked, and Niall relaxed a little at the permission to dismiss himself if things grew uncomfortable.

He could breathe easier.
The scabbing scars on his wrists didn't feel so tight or itchy.

He smiled a little more. "Thanks Papa," he whispered, leaning into the man's side a little.

He remembered his first Christmas with his family. All the excitement over tearing wrapping paper, how magical the tree and all of the decorations had seemed, the fun they'd had as a family all evening. Things had been easier then. He'd been more innocent - not tainted and ugly.

Last year had been difficult.
Freaking out over every hand that brushed even close to his skin, Cooper standing guard beside him constantly, the sad eyes focused on him.

This year was just as difficult.
The paranoia, the knowledge that everyone in the room knew exactly what he had done, the worry over what they would think.

But through it all, the good ones and the bad, he had his family beside him.

This year he had Harry to remove him from situations that he clearly wasn't comfortable in, he had Louis to talk to when his head got too busy, he had his Dad and Papa to shower him with all the love he clung onto for reassurance.

He had Cooper lingering if he needed his company, he had Nana to kiss his forehead and call him pet names that made him feel like a little kid all over again, and Gramps who took his gently by the shoulders and told him he was 'the toughest of 'em all'.

And as loud and cruel as his own mind could be, it was never any match for the love he always felt when his family was with him.

EDITED 26.12.21