Cold and Numb
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Maingat ang bawat hakbang ko habang tinutungo ang backdoor ng aming bahay. Malapit iyon sa kusina kaya doon ang tungo ko.
I knew the people in this house wasn't going to notice me but it was better to be safe than sorry. Dad will double the locks of my room if he found out and I didn't want that to happen.
Tama na iyong tila isa akong preso sa bahay na ito. I don't want to add more fire on the fireplace.
I stopped on track when I was already a finger away from the back door. Nilingon ko ang pasilyong dinaanan ko kanina at hindi mapigilang magdalawang isip.
I thought of the things that might happen. Faces of people who might lose there job if I get caught. My parents might hate me more if they found out.
My teeth sank on my lower lip. But a big part of me wanted to do this. I was tired of my room, of this house. After 15 years of being imprisoned here, I was finally suffocated. I finally felt the leash that was tied on my neck and it choked me. Nasasakal ako at nahihirapan nang huminga.
Ibinalik ako ang aking mata sa doorknob sa aking harapan.
Do it now, Vi. Right in front of you is the door to your freedom! A part of my head said as I stared harder at the doorknob. You will be free! Magiging masaya kana. You can finally be someone you want be.
Tears pooled in my eyes. No.
I can't do this. Nana Lena might loose her job. 59 years old na ito at panigurong mahihirapan itong makahanap ng ibang trabaho dahil sa edad niyang iyon. Bea, Nana's grand daughter, will have to stop studying if that happens. I can't drag them down just because of my thirst for freedom.
Nanghihinang hinayaan ko ang sarili kong maupo sa malamig na sahig ng kusina. Tears flowed down my cheeks endlessly like a waterfall.
I let the tiredness that I had been concealing take over me.
Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod. I just want to be normal. Gusto kong maglakad sa kung saan-saan nang hindi nakatago ang mukha. I want to travel the world. To meet new people, to have friends. To do things I've always wanted to do. Gusto kong sumaya.
Pero bakit bawal? Bakit ganito ang buhay ko? Bakit ako?
Gusto ko mang sumigaw at wala, I just stayed there frozen and unmoving. The coldness of the tiles and the wind that blew from outside went inside my body like I was supposed to take it in my body and contain it.
I couldn't even feel the tears that was rolling down my cheeks. I didn't feel my body crash on the tiles until I heard a continuous ring inside my head.
I was cold and numb
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