Cranberry Vodka (Billie Eilish)

-6-

Billie and I were still sitting locked up in the principal office. Waiting for the hours to pass. When I realized I still hadn't thanked her for helping me with the panic attack I had earlier. She really took me by surprise when she helped me. I didn't know she could be so gentle and kind. After all, she threatened me with a knife, just 2 hours ago.

I wondered what would have happened if I wouldn't have had that panic attack. Would we still hate each other? Well, I never hated her, but I didn't know about her soft side either. She always seemed so intimidating.

"Thank you for earlier. You really helped me to get through it." I broke the silence. "How do know so much about panic attacks?" I asked carefully. "Do you experience them as well?"

"Well, luckily it's nothing I usually have to experience, but sometimes yes, I do experience it. Besides that, I have a lot of friends who struggle with anxiety and panic attacks" She replied honestly. "But you know, I'm here for you if you wanna talk, okay? - Or since you probably hate me, I'm sure Lauren, Normani or your other friends and family have an open ear for you as well" she added, "but talking can really help sometimes."

She noticed who my best friends are ?

"Who said I hate you?"

"I don't know, I just figured, and honestly I wouldn't blame you."

I didn't reply for a while. "I don't hate you, but I just don't get why you would threaten me like that instead of just talking to me, like a reasonable person."  I answered truthfully.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just thought this was the best way to maintain your safety you know? But trust me, I was NEVER going to hurt you with it. You need to know that. I couldn't- I would never hurt you, I just wanted to make you a little afraid of me that's all." Her voice was shaking. It was full of regret and disappointment towards herself.

Her vulnerability truly took me by surprise. Again. But I wondered what she meant with 'maintain my safety,'?

I gently stroke her knee, to signal her that I forgave her, but I felt her tense up, so I quickly took it away again. She was still staring at my hand lost in thoughts.

"You know, I didn't mean to punch you, I just panicked when you pushed me against the wall and I couldn't move," I confessed, thinking it was only fair to apologize as well.

"No, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all on me. When you were starting to defend yourself, it automatically began to feel like a fight. I didn't think, but just acted instead and my instincts took over, which was wrong and made me forget for a second that I was actually there to protect you, " Even though she looked down, I noticed her eyes were tearing up for a split second, but she was quick to blink them away again.

"Protect me?" I asked confused and surprised at the same time. "Protect me from what?" She didn't reply, so I asked again, more pressing this time, as I raised my voice a little bit. "Please just tell me what you are talking about. Why do I need protection?"

"Nothing, I was just using the wrong words..." She lied.

"Your lying", I observed.

"No, I'm not I-"

"Stop lying, you just said you wanted to keep me safe and then you mentioned that you wanted to protect me by threatening me? How does that make sense?" I interrupted her.

She signed. "Those dudes okay" She finally spitted out. "I'm trying to protect you from those dudes I was with the other night. Please promise me to forget about them. Don't look for them, don't ask about them and don't talk to them when you see one of them. They are dangerous. If they ever find out that you know me, they'll think that you know about them too and since you know they were there the other night, they will assume that you are a possible threat to them and probably gonna do worse things to you than I did."