Gilded Cage

Chapter 27

When we finally pulled away, my skin felt flush and warm despite the crisp autumn air. Zac's breaths came out fast and shallow. His eyes were heavy lidded, a dazed amber gold. Both of our lips were slightly swollen and curled into sheepish smiles.

"Does that answer your question?" I asked breathlessly.

"I don't know, girls are kinda confusing," he kissed me again, lightly, on the nose and murmured, "Guess I'll hafta stick with this one until I figure it out."

I rolled my eyes and giggled. "You're fucking ridiculous."

"No, not ridiculous," Zac corrected as he gathered me into his arms, "Happy. I'm happy."

I stiffened, at first, before allowing myself to relax into his embrace. Zac's chest felt warm and solid against my back. His soft breaths tickled my hair. I felt dizzy with joy, elated even, but I fought hard not to let that inner glow seep out. Everything in the past few hours had escalated so quickly. Too quickly, in fact. Zac and I were swerving in such a drastic, unexpected direction that my brain had yet to catch up to my thrumming hormones.

At the epicenter of it all, there was the fuckload of new information that Zac had dropped on me about his dad, Lily's dad, and the fact that his mom thought he had been in Spain this whole time. I didn't know how to process any of it. To make matters worse, this beautiful, infuriating, unscrupulous boy, who had somehow snuck his way into my heart, would be leaving in a matter of weeks.

I thought I had since recovered from the mindless thrill of locking lips with Zac, but, quite suddenly, it was becoming a little difficult again to draw breath. The impact of his shocking confessions finally hit me. It felt a weight clamping down on my chest.

Was this what an anxiety attack felt like?

Instinctively, self-preservation kicked in.

"Actually, maybe it would be better if we don't try to figure anything out," I stammered, "I mean, I... like you, too, but I don't think we should date. Definitely not right now. Maybe not ever."

I hadn't intended for the words to trip out of my mouth in a clumsy, insensitive way. Zac's arm muscles tensed up around me. He cleared his throat. I could hear the confusion in his voice when he said, "That doesn't make any sense. In fact, it sounds kinda fucked up. I don't understand why you're being so hot and cold."

That was a fair statement. I wished I had a better explanation as well, though, even I wasn't sure how to string together all of my chaotic feelings into a cohesive argument, which meant something for a girl who has competed in national speech and debate tournaments for years. All I knew was that I wanted to pump the brakes on whatever was happening between Zac and me. Honestly, I was scared. Chicken-shit. Overwhelmed.

"I... don't wanna complicate our lives even more. You have enough to deal with in terms of your dad and your mom. Then, you'll go back in New York, and I'll still be here in Wellesley. Long distance is nice in theory, but how many people actually make it past a few months of Skype calls and weekend visits?"

I trailed off in withering tones.

Zac's expression turned stony. "Is that the only thing holding you back? You don't believe in long distance?"

"No, there's more."

"Tell me, then. I wanna know."

Feeling super awkward under his penetrating stare, I pressed on with far less bravado, "Well, you know how the end of the semester always gets so intense? I'll need to focus on finals and club competitions and holding onto my standing at Ashton Wellesley. Then, there's SAT prep. College apps. You know this shit never ends for someone like me. So, why start something that, realistically, neither of us can fully commit to? We're probably better off as friends. That way, at least, we won't end up disappointed each other."