Breathe Me Back To Life •Patrick Stump+Fall Out Boy•

Chapter Forty Two: I'm Awake And Trying

But I don't think I'm fine mentally.

I want to speak, but the nurse is cutting me off by coming in with the brown clipboard Doctor Cousland had with him hours before. The sight of someone I don't know stops the train wreck of words coming out of my mouth. She looks up and smiles at me. "Colby Wentz?"

"Mhmm." I nod my head quickly, making Patrick crack a bigger grin than before. I reach up instinctively and pat down my hair.

"I'm going to have to ask you guys to wait outside for a moment." She tells the boys, who all nod and file outside. Patrick hesitates to leave for a moment before he's kissing my forehead and hugging me goodbye. I smile and wave to him as he shuffles nervously out of the room. God, Patrick Stump is adorable. "Miss Wentz?"

"Yeah?" I reply, being sure to not remove the oxygen mask to talk, just incase she'll get upset. She smiles, walking over to the IV next to me. She begins to fumble with it, carefully taking the needle out of my hand. "Your doctor told me that you'll be leaving later tonight?" When I nod, she continues. "You're lucky, Miss Wentz. Many people don't survive near drownings, and if they do, they normally develop long term neurological problems." After she's removed the IV from me, she helps me by taking away the oxygen mask and all of its connections to me.

"Just get changed and then I'll hook you back up, okay?" She brushes her bangs back from her forehead. I nod my head and slowly slip off of the hospital bed. I kneel in front of the backpack Hayley packed with clothes for me, unzipping it and pulling out whatever she packed in there. About three outfits are in here, probably to give me variety. Hayley Williams, everyone, the best friend in the world. I eventually just decide on a pair of thick black leggings, my twenty one pilots shirt, and a dark cardigan that isn't mine but smells like Patrick, so it probably is Patrick's sweater. The nurse turns around for me, and I quickly pull the leggings on underneath my hospital gown. I take the gown off and throw on the shirt, pulling the sweater on over it. After that, I pull on a pair of my black and blue fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm. Everything Hayley brought me had the intention to keep me warm, probably because I almost got hypothermia.

I pick up Stitch, the teddy bear, and the banana and put them next to me, squeezing the daylights out of Stitch as the nurse put the needle to the IV back into my hand. After that's done, she hooks up the oxygen to me again, just because the doctor said that I would have a bit of trouble breathing on my own for a few weeks. When I leave, I'm probably going to be prescribed a shit ton of inhalers because I screwed myself up.

"Do you want me to send them back in?" She asks me after properly adjusting the bed. I nod.

"Thanks," I tell her. When the nurse leaves, I cross my legs and fidget with Stitch's ear. Brendon knew that I loved Lilo&Stitch as a kid, so he of course brought me this. I look at my arm, Patrick's sweater sleeve long on my arm. When I pull the cuff back a bit, I see the freshly wrapped bandages.

I almost died, I almost died, I almost died.

But I didn't.

Is that a good thing?

"Where's my munchkin?" I hear an all too familiar voice from outside. I immediately recognize it as Alex's voice as he practically bursts into the room. He has skinny jeans on along with a grey shirt and a Glamour Kills jacket. I smile when I see him, and bury my face carefully into his jacket when he hugs me.

"God, it's been too long, Miss Colby." He mumbles, rubbing my back lightly.

"It has," I reply after I move the mask a bit away from my mouth.

"How are you feeling?" He asks when we pull back, sitting on my bed with me. I laugh, shaking my head and clutching onto Stitch.

"Been better," I reply to him. "My lungs feel like shit though. What the hell are you doing in Canada?"

"All Time Low concert near here. Heard what happened to you and came by." He answers me, brushing his bangs to the side. "Zack, Jack, and Rian would have come, but they were at a bar last night. They look like zombies."

"Aww, no dick jokes?" I whine to Alex, making him raise his eyebrows in mock suggestiveness at me.

"You still have me to deliver the dick jokes!" He tells me.

"And Josh motherfuckin' Ramsay!" I hear someone from outside of the room. Almost immediately, Josh Ramsay is walking into the room, a giant smile on his face.

"Dear God, Joshua." I tease him when he comes over to hug me, knocking his shoulder. He rolls his eyes at me, smiling affectionately.

I spend at least thirty minutes with Josh and Alex, goofing off and laughing with them until they both have to leave. Josh goes first, leaving me a cute card and hugging me. When Alex is getting ready to leave, he suddenly becomes serious.

"I want you to think about this. I want you to think about how happy you were with me and Josh. I want you to remember this moment where everyone is pouring their hearts out to you with gifts and cards because they love you. I want you to know that your friends and family were so scared because they almost lost you for good." Alex takes a deep breath, shaking his head. "When I lost my brother, it was hell for everyone. He left us with no closure whatsoever, and I would kill to have closure. When Patrick found you last night practically dead, Andy called me and told me that I had to come over. You almost died, Cole." Andy wrings his hands, finally looking up and into my eyes. "What were you thinking at that last moment?"

"I..." I take a deep breath, shaking my head. "I knew I was going to die. I didn't want to die."

"Exactly," Alex tells me, ruffling my hair. "You didn't want to die, and you were given the chance to realize it. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know you're going through a lot of shit, but just remember the good stuff. Remember your friends, remember your brother and your parents, remember Patrick. I am not bullshitting you when I say that if you died, he would never be the same Patrick Stump again.

"You need to remember this, Cole. We love you." Alex smiles at me, hugging me tightly one last time before he has to leave.

What if I didn't want to remember? I mean, doesn't it hurt less to not remember? Doesn't it hurt less to suppress the stuff that will inevitably make me feel even worse?

My lungs hurt badly, and all I know is that it wouldn't have hurt if I had remembered.

I wouldn't have done it.

Almost as fast as Alex left, Patrick came in, my cell phone in his hands. He's smiling, ruffling his hair and sliding onto my bed next to me. He pulls me closer into my chest, rubbing my shoulders softly.

"You're going to be okay, okay?" He smiles at me, tilting my head up slightly and pressing his lips to my own. I smile against his mouth and let myself remember. This is what I almost lost. This is what I would've lost if I had actually drowned.

"I hope so," I mumble against his mouth, melting into his arms and staying there.

-/::\-

this quick update is because I'm probably going to be busy this week. On the same day, I have two tests back to back, a presentation, and then a project. Fxck high school

Anyways, WE ARE NEARLY AT FIFTY FREAKING K READS LIKE THIS IS A DREAM FOR ME THANK YOU ALLL SOO SO SO SO MUCH I SHOULD BE STUDYING BUT I FINISHED THIS FOR YOUU

-Stay Classy, Young Volcanoes

^^ writing this is tedious :) especially since I write everything on my iPod.

•LeaveNoWordsUnspoken