So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 42

A couple minutes went by in comfortable silence as the Metallica crew worked around us getting the stage cleared for the GNR sound check in another hour.

"Ya know," James spoke up suddenly, "I owe you an apology." He paused and grimaced. "I mean...I owe you another apology," he amended wryly.

I was completely mystified. "You do? For what?"

He nodded towards his bandaged arm. "When this shit went down with my arm, I was in so much pain I barely remember anything about that day. I just remember wakin' up in the hospital and Lars was there fillin' me on what'd happened. I wasn't really payin' attention though, and not cuz it was Lars and I barely listen to half the shit he's tellin' me anyway..." I chuckled at that and Jamie paused to smile at me tenderly. He must have remembered then that he was in the middle of telling me something, and he blushed and looked down at his lap before continuing. "Anyway, I wasn't listening to what he was sayin', cuz all I could think about was how much I needed you, about how I wanted you there with me more than anything. And I knew it was too much to ask, especially after you findin' out about Kristen in Mexico..." He looked sideways at me guiltily. "I knew I was the last person you wanted to see and yer the last person who owed me anything...but I was wishin' for it anyway. And the funny thing was, I woke up feelin' like you were there, I could feel you so strongly." He shrugged then. "But I figured it was the medication they had me on, makin' me see things that weren't there...makin' me feel like you were there with me, holdin' my hand, talkin' me through it all. It came crashin' down on me then that I'd fucked everything up too much..." His voice dropped to almost a whisper. "When that hit me, when I thought you didn't give a damn anymore, it hurt worse than the burn."

"Jamie—"

He held up a hand to stop me. "No wait, let me finish." 

I nodded for him to continue.

"So here I was havin' a pity party, feelin' like hell from the pain, feelin' worse for drivin' you away—again—and I got mad at you. For like a half a minute, I was angry at you for not bein' there." He glanced at me. "I know, I had no right at all. It was gone in an instant and it just left this huge hole the size of a fuckin' crater in the middle of my chest. I hated myself then for what I'd put you through, and now I had my proof that you were gone for good and never comin' back." Reaching over, he gently picked up my hand in his, entwining his fingers with mine as he let out a long breath. "Couple days ago, Jason let it slip that you'd been with me from almost the moment I was brought off stage. How you ripped the emergency guy a new one when you saw how much pain I was in. How you"—he paused then and I could see him swallow hard and his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke again—"how you stayed with me all night in the hospital, talkin' to me so I wouldn't feel alone. I felt you Leila cuz you were there with me, you...you didn't leave me."

He turned to look at me then and we stared at each other while everything and everyone melted away.

"I...I couldn't leave you when you were hurt. No matter what had happened between us, there was"—I stopped to blink away tears—"there was nowhere else I was supposed to be...than with you."

I heard his breath hitch and he pressed my hand to his chest and held it there for a moment with his eyes closed. "I love you." He said the words so softly, they were almost lost amongst the noises around us. My throat closed up with emotion and he opened his eyes to look at me. "I love you Leila," he repeated, and my body began to tremble.

"Well, well, well." The unmistakable voice of GNR's lead singer shattered the moment. "You seem awfully friendly for two people who supposedly aren't even friends anymore."

"Great fuckin' timing asshole," James muttered low for my ears only, echoing my own sentiments.