Saving Lily

chapter 35: Vulnerability - part 1

☞ WARNING: Please be advised that this chapter involves sexual assualt. - If you have had to deal with something similar to this, please don't be afraid or ashamed to talk about it! You are not alone!!☜

It has been a couple days since I last saw Sarah, for some reason, I didn't feel as alone now as I did when everything went so wrong. I knew she was only ever a call or text away, but I missed being around her. The heart grows fonder. The rest of that evening/night, we spent Staring up at the night sky talking about our future plans. Sarah wanted to go to LA, but I knew that Ballet was something that would potentially never make it in that type of world. I wanted to be seen in that sort of stage light; maybe that wasn't what I was made for.
It was just the normal Wednesday; shipping myself off to therapy, making sure I get my daily dose of "have you tried this? (Or) that?" Kind of bullshit Hamish throws at me. In all honesty, I am doing pretty good right about now. I mean, my dad's funeral is still coming up, which I'm not looking forward to at all. I can sense everything going wrong; while we sit there and listen to my bitchy aunt, scream nonsense at all of my dad's old friends, myself and my brothers. No wonder no one likes the woman, it's all she's ever been good at.
"Lily, you can go in now, Hamish has been expecting you all morning" the receptionist said, as she handed me over a cup of water and walked me down the hall to his office. I felt like I was getting special treatment, considering the last time they saw me I passed out. Fucking anxiety.
"I'm sure I can walk down the hall by myself" I said, trying to reassure her that I wouldn't go into a fit of panic again.
She leads me to his office door, knocking on it, as we stand there in a moment of silence. "I know you don't want this specialist treatment and all, but after last time, we couldn't exactly push it aside!" She said raising her left eyebrow as a smile leaped across her face.
The door swings open, as Hamish looks at his receptionist, slight angered expression came on his face as he looked at her. I do wonder what the fuck goes on between them too sometimes. He then looks at me, and his expression changes slightly to a softer, much more welcoming tone. "Lily!" He says, swinging the door open. "Come on in then". He ushers me inside his office, grabbing a pen and pad from his desk once again; and then sitting by the open windows, viewing all the people and the cars from above. The Birdseye view was always mesmerising. "How have you been?" He asks, resting his hands in his lap.
I look over at him, I could feel myself a lot more relaxed now, more than ever. "I've actually been pretty good!" I smiled. "I wasn't good the last time I saw you, in fact I wasn't feeling good at all. But, I am now" I said, reverting my eyes back out the window. I really do not want to listen to his stupid advice, it never worked.
"Michael mentioned, last time you were here, that your aunt was coming by? How has that been for you?" He asked, he placed his pen on the arm of the chair, and closed his book, he leaned forward his elbows on his knees as he turned to look out the window.
"Was this when I passed out? But, honestly, that hasn't been great, I mean she's just in the way all the time." I laughed, I didn't want to open up a great deal about her, as she didn't really mean much to the family. She was just always there... In the back of everything. "Michael told you a lot then?" I asked, curious as to what he would say.
He leaned forward placing a hand on my knee, "He told me a lot, actually. This Sarah girl seems lovely, but are you sure about who you are yet? Being in love with a woman is a bit of a far fetch for you..." He smirks, raising his right eyebrow at me. I could see that he was trying to force something onto me, something I didn't want, at all. He's a freaking psychologist, not a freaking relationship advisor.
I push his hand off of my knee, pulling myself up right, as I felt some form of rage building in side me. "What the hell do you know?!" I said, trying to edge myself away from him.
"I didn't mean to come across that way, Lily. I'm sorry! Let's talk about it" he says Inna calming tone, trying to get me back into the swing of my troubles.
"You mean you don't expect someone like me to swing a separate way? Because people like you want to take full advantage of the women that come into your office during their most vulnerable moments of their life?" I said, getting up from the seat. "You're actually the low life I thought you were, Sarah was right about you, you're a freak!"
I get up from the seat and start to head towards the door, as a hand grabs my left arm tightly pulling me back into the room. He pushes me up against the wall, his lips centimetres away from my ear. "If you say anything at all, I will tell your brother everything!" He whispered, putting his hand on the back of my neck and planting kisses across my cheek.
"Hamish get off me" I cried, I tried to push him off of me. "Please, get off me". I tried pushing against his chest, trying to get him away from me. At every attempt I made, he held me against the wall stronger. I was stuck between the wall and him.
"Shh" he whispered, his breathing getting heavier and heavier as he planted more kisses against my skin, he pushed his hand down my jeans and panties. His fingers hovered just millimeters away from me. "You wanted this, Lily, you know, you wanted this! I can change everything..." He says adamantly. He forces his fingers inside me, and pushes me up against the wall harder, as tears fell down my cheeksm I kept hitting him with my fists, and trying to kick him with my legs to get him off me.
"Get the fuck off me Hamish!" I shouted. Punching him in the back.
A sudden knock sounds from the door, as he pulls away from me. I fall to the ground feeling as if I was dirty. I need to get the fuck out of here. As he opens the door, the receptionist, looks into the room, "I just heard Lily shout, is everything okay in here?" She asked. I could sense worry in her voice, as I got up to my feet, pushing Hamish out of the way and out into the hallway. I stood behind the receptionist for a moment, her face fell as she could see a bruise forming on my wrist in the shape of his finger prints. "Lily, come with me now" She says, placing her hand on my shoulder. I flinched at her touch, "you're okay" she says, guiding me down the hallway. I could hear the slam of Hamishs office door, as we walk back down the hall. He knew he had been caught this time. He knew what he did. I wrapped my arms across my body, feeling more vulnerable than ever now. "Is there anyone you would want me to call?" She asked, taking me into a separate office.
"N-no, I think I should just go home" I stuttered. I felt disgusting, I felt like the last thing left with me was now taken. I felt alone now. The whole world was against me, again.
"Lily, you just went through something traumatic back there, I don't know what happened exactly, but you shouldn't be alone" she said, insisting that she calls someone for me. I just wanted to get the fuck out of here, to get the fuck away from here. Is that so bad? I felt disgusting. I felt gross.
"N-no, I said I-i just want to go h-home" I stuttered again, trying to keep my tears in. I pull my phone out of my pocket, trying to dial Michaels number, but I knew if I rang him, it would kick off. Everything would kick off. He would get pissed. "could I just get a cab home from here" I murmured, "I just really want to go home... I don't want to be here, right now" I said, adamantly that, that was where I needed to be right now. When really, I wanted to scrub the freaking skin off of my body. I wanted to feel normal. I didn't want to feel gross or disgusting.
She looks at me with fear in her expression, she could see what he had done to me made me feel more vulnerable. "Okay..." She replied, "I'll call a cab, you just stay here" she said as she walks over to the door, she grabs the handle, and turns to look at me. "You'll be okay, Lily" she says as she walks out.
Will I? I just had my own dignity taken away from me, I just had something I never thought would ever be taken away from, be stolen within a couple of moments. I feel fucking destroyed. I pull my knees up to my chest, I still feel his hand on the back of my neck, his lips against my skin and his other hand between my legs. I felt vulnerable. I felt destroyed again. Not only do I lose my parents and a part of myself, I lost a bigger part of me today. I lost myself. The worst part about this, was the fact that I never knew something like this would break me, as much as it has. Now, I don't even know where I want to be or go...
Mom and dad, I could really use your guidance right now...