Hell on earth

Next time.

11pm;
I've been at the bar for hours, energy.
But I've not touched a drop since 10
I've just been sitting
Thinking.

Midnight;
Im walking down the street, lonely.
It's Saturday night, slightly drunk
Cigarette in hand, off balance
I walk alone in the rain.

1am;
I'm home, cold.
I strip out of these wet clothes
Start running a bath
And climb into the burning water.

2am;
I'm dressed again, tired.
I pull back the bed covers
And enclose them around me
I am engulfed by silence.

3am;
Insomniac thoughts swallow me, trapped.
I'm stuck in my own mind
My own little world
Of sad voices and debilitating pain.

4am;
I've left my bed, wandering.
Into the bathroom I find my safety
Small and silver
I draw out the red from within.

5am;
I'm still a mess, depressed.
But I bet you're wondering
Why?
I wish I could tell you.

6am;
The sun is rising, Sunday.
I haven't slept
I take out another cigarette
But I do not light it, not yet.

7am;
I am my own hostage, insecure.
I'm not scarred of death
Not like most people
I fear living.

8am;
I take myself back to bed, fallen.
This time I do sleep
All through the day
To pass the time I should spend living.

•••

6pm;
I wake up, heavy.
My head hurts, everything hurts
I light that cigarette
And smoke it like a chimney.

7pm;
See none of you asked, selfish.
Who I was with last night
The answer, no one
Because in the end no one cares.

8pm;
I shared a big secret yesterday, bitter.
But even you didn't care
The one person I trusted most
And now I'm certain, I know what I'm doing.

9pm;
I start to tidy my things, pristine.
I sent out letters In the post
Before my trip to the bar
My first and last.

10pm;
I leave my house, ready.
I sent a spare key to my mother
If she wants to collect and save my things
I doubt it.

11pm;
If it's an accident, no one can be blamed.
It's something I've wanted to do
Such a long time hurting, false promises
Alone, people coming and going.

Midnight;
I'm on top of the bridge, traffic.
I pull myself up and look over the edge
There's nothing to hold me back
In the moment, i jump.

1am;
I'm in the back of an ambulance, lifeless.
I got my wish, I made it look like a tragedy
People never thought I'd do it
Although it's all I talked about some days

2am;
My body is covered with a sheet, white.
But everything is black
I was alone now
And forever

•••

9am;
The doctors phoned last night, careless.
But the letter arrived first
If only you'd picked up, you never answered
Now all of you have to hear it from me.

          "Dear you,        whoever you are, everyone got the same.
           Just know that whatever you thought of me, how little of a priority you made me. You always meant the world to me.
          I was always putting all of you first. I was always blaming myself even if we both knew the fault laid with you. You let me think I wasn't good enough, you let me think that things were my fault, you never told me that I was wrong. Part of me always hoped you would. In the beginning it was easy to let people blame me. But as I became more depressed it seems like less and less of you cared and I was just falling out of your lives. None of you tried to save me. In the end none of you reassured me, none of you. And you know I didn't want me either. I didn't like me either and for sure didn't love me. You may have seen confidence, that comes easy, I've been pretending for years, it's not hard to flick your hair and say some fake self love for people to believe you.
            If you're reading this and you're still thinking why? What did You do? You didn't do anything. But sometimes it's what people don't do is what the problem is.
          Maybe I spoke up too late, or maybe you just didn't care. But I did. About all of you, until the very end. But in the end none of you were helping me. None of you took notice. None of you tried. So I did things for myself. A suicidal teen with suicidal dreams, you could say. I just hope you are happy. I know you won't miss me, I know this probably won't affect you at all. Live your life,
Just be more aware of what you say and do. Because people believe you care. You Give people hope and then rip it straight from them in their hour of need. I'm only being honest. And with that. That's it from me, whether I was a friend, family member, daughter, niece, sister. I want you to know I loved you. No matter how you felt about me"

10am;
You arrived at the hospital, shocked.
You cried over my body
You blamed the doctors
You never took one look at yourself.

11am;
With this coming to an end, you realise.
That maybe you could've
Should've
Tried harder, done something better.

12pm;
Next time, there will be a next time.
There will be another me in your life
Help her, or at least try
Maybe you'll be the one to convince her to stay.