Alexa and Katie: Fight or Flight

Ch. 12: The Tough Choices

Alexa's POV

It had been a few weeks since I shaved my head for the second time and I was still stuck in the hospital. I've been here for months at this point. My scans have not been going well at all and I started to feel a lot sicker than I remember being last time. I didn't even have the energy to follow through with my prank against Spencer.

I'm just sick and tired of being so sick and tired all the time. The past few days I've been so in and out of it, I just feel dazed.

My mom stopped leaving me, she just stays here all day doing work and watching over me. School starts again next week already and there's definitely no chance I'll get to join Katie on our first day of senior year so I don't even have that to motivate me anymore.

"Hey Lex.. are you awake honey? It's time to eat" my mom said softly.

"You know I don't want to Mom" I sighed, already feeling nauseous at the thought of eating.

"I know honey. I know. How about we wait to try until after Dr. Breitweiser comes by?" she tried to compromise with me.

"I definitely won't want to eat after the bad news" I snapped back. I felt bad saying that to her, but I just have a feeling with how awful the last week has been that there isn't going to be any good news for me.

"Alexa, sweetie don't say that. We don't know anything yet" she says, but I just start to close my eyes again.

Pretty soon I wake up again to see the long faces of my dad, mom, and Lucas. I must be getting my results soon.

"Hello Mendoza family. Let's sit shall we?" Dr. Breitweiser walks in almost on cue.

"Hello Doctor" my dad manages to speak up for everyone as the rest of them take their seats around me.

"I've always tried to be straightforward with you all. So I want to just get to the facts, which is that Alexa's scans are just not at all where we want to be. Her cancer is very very aggressive and is not responding to our treatments." Dr. Breitweiser looked back and forth between my charts and us.

"So what are we going to try next? Surgery? Bone marrow transplants?" my mom says expectantly.

"I want to talk to you about more palliative care. Well... really hospice care." my doctor trailed off.

"Wh-what. What do you mean? Why would we do that? We're going to try other treatments" my mom said in a mixture of disbelief and agony while my dad pulled her closer.

"We've really exhausted most of our options. Clinical trials are always an option, but Alexa's cancer doesn't leave her with too many of those options and none of which are guaranteed or even very likely to do much for her. It's ultimately up to you all, but I do want you to know that we have some options to make Alexa's comfortable" Dr. Breitweiser said solemnly, pulling out some pamphlets that my parents couldn't get themselves to take so she just put them on my side table.

"Comfortable? There's nothing comfortable about cancer. Do you see all that she's been through even just this week?" Lucas finally spoke up.

"Lucas, please" my dad reached an arm out to him.

"I'll just give you all some time. I just have to let you know that we'll send some people by to really talk about your options" my doctor walked out.

It was silent in the room for what felt like hours but was probably less than twenty minutes. The only sound I heard was the sniffling of my little family.

"I, I want to go home. I want to be in my own bed" I finally spoke up, unable to look at them.

"Alexa. Are you sure? We need to think about this. You still have options, you can keep going" my mom took my hand.

"No, Mom. I can't keep going like this. I'm tired. I'm so tired" I admitted, a tear falling down my cheek.

"Honey, we know this has been a lot for you. We know that you're in pain. But this is not a quick decision to make, there are still options to explore" my dad said from my mom's side.

"I'm not making any quick decision. These past few months I've been fighting as hard as I could. But I just don't feel like I'm living anymore. I've been in and out of it, either in pain or heavily drugged. I can feel it, Dad. I know I'm getting to weak. I just want to enjoy what I have left" I said, having to pause a few times to catch my breath and wipe away some tears.

"No, no Alexa. You can still kick cancer's butt. It's a lot, but we're here. We're all here for you" Lucas said, reaching out to hold my other hand.

"Please Alexa. Let's just hear what all of our options really are before we make any final decisions" my dad said.

"Mom? Mom please. Look at me" I said, noticing that ever since I spoke up she had just been crying and unable to look at me.

"Please Alexa. I just want us to feel like we did everything we could for you" my mom said.

"Okay. Okay we'll talk to them" I said in defeat.

It was then I realized with my full heart that this wasn't just my fight, it was everyone's fight.

"But um, can we not tell Katie or Spencer about this until we make a decision"

—-

A little while later, a few people had come in and out to talk me through my different options.

I think my family started to realize that we were nearing the end and that the clinical trials would just be too much for me. After the last woman from the hospice care department came to talk to us, we closed the door but didn't speak to each other. My parents left to talk to each other for a bit while Lucas went to get food and I napped again. When they came back, my dad started the first conversation.

"So. Um. Alexa, we want to know what you think? We have an idea of what option we want for you, but at the end of the day, it's your body" he said, looking down at his hands.

"Honestly? I stick by my decision, as hard as it is. I'm just so tired and.." I started to cry again, "I'm so sorry"

"Oh Alexa. Honey. It's okay. We know. We know.. Your father and I thought about it and we realized that you're right. It hurts, but we see it now and we're gonna be here for you as a family, just like we've always been" my mom cried with me.

So, after informing the hospital of my decision, we started the process of getting me back to my own bed, for however long I had left.

The next obstacle for me? To tell Spencer. And, the hardest of all, to tell Katie.

{Hey guys! I've had some inspiration to start writing other things again, but I wanted to try and see if I could wrap this up and give it some kind of ending first. I don't really know how this story is gonna go as it's not really what I want to write right now, but I want to give you guys something. And who knows, maybe I'll come back and edit it later when I get more inspiration for it. Thank you so much if you are still reading this though, I know it's not that good but I tried:)}