Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Five - Kettering

She knew Elliot would want to know. He'd want to be there for her, to comfort her and be the friend she needed. Olivia was good at denying herself of any sort of luxury, it came with the trauma of a broken home. Abused kids who were brought up to feel as if they deserved nothing, growing into adults who felt the same. She simply couldn't let him help her. Not now at least. Not until the choice was taken out of her hands and put into someone else's. If it were up to her, she'd never tell him. She'd carry on as if nothing was happening. But she couldn't. A two-week break away from everyone was the best she could do. 

The sound of knocking on her door broke her out of her trance. So many people had knocked on her door over the course of the week that she could practically tell who it was each time. She glanced at the clock, seeing that it was a quarter past seven in the evening. It couldn't be Elliot; he usually came from 11:30 to noon and then 8:30 to 9:00 pm. 

"Liv, it's Casey."

She should've figured. The knocking was just light enough that it was familiar. She tiredly dragged herself off of the couch, forcing one foot in front of the other through the exhaustion. When she opened the door, she was met with Casey and a half-assed smile that came along with a steaming bag of take-out food. 

"In the mood for company?" Casey asked with a light chuckle.

Olivia's smile didn't quite reach her eyes as she nodded, allowing Casey to pass through the doorway. Maybe entertaining someone for a few hours would be healthy. She couldn't sit in solitude forever. Even the sound of Dana Scully's voice on X-Files repeats wasn't enough to keep her company anymore.

"What'ya say? Wanna get completely shitfaced?" she asked, dropping the bag of food on the counter along with anything filtering of her candor. 

"Uhh, can't." Liv exhaled, sitting back down on her couch. "I'm waiting for a call from my doctor. But feel free to uncork the bottle of wine on the top shelf. It's all yours." The mere mention of the doctor caused Casey's heart to drop. Her movements slowed down as the words sunk further. A few moments later, she gathered their plates and the bottle of wine, seating herself next to Olivia on the sofa. 

"I don't really know what to say," Casey said, a few awkward seconds of silence passing beforehand. "I know you, I know you don't like being treated like a victim." her eyes darted to the side, seeing Olivia staring off into whatever space was right in front of her. "So, I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know what to ask. I don't know what's off-limits and what isn't." 

Without even so much as a flinch, Olivia opened her mouth to answer. "Neither do I." she bit at her lower lip, her body staying so perfectly still, it was almost ghostly. "I've never done this before." 

If she closed her eyes, could she melt away into the floorboards? Could she just disappear into thin air? She thought back to that first appointment, something in her stomach had been nagging at her. She knew that something was wrong. The only difference was that she had known that for much longer than she let on. She tried ignoring it until that stupid yearly scan appointment card came in the mail. The frequent swelling in one of her lymph nodes, the pain that ached quietly on her chest wall. 

She had ignored it. Didn't dare to cross the boundaries that led into the unknown. Just like Casey, who didn't even know where to start. 

The wine bottle on the coffee table caught her eye. She was scared to drink it. Sure, she could hold herself over during the phone call. But what about after? What was to stop her from chugging the entire bottle? And the other bottle of whiskey that stayed further back in the top shelf. What was to stop her from becoming her mother? It would take all of her fear away, all of her pain. She wouldn't have to face any of it if she was face down into a bottle. 

She was always a moderate drinker, social and responsible. That was when life was okay, despite the horrors of the streets. But she saw that stuff every day, it became a second nature. This? This wasn't something she had already broken in. She couldn't promise herself the fact that she'd eventually put down the bottle on sheer willpower; not when she was facing her entire life hanging on a tight rope. 

There was nothing stopping her from drowning herself in it all. It would be so easy. 

"Have you told Elliot?" Casey asked quietly, breaking Olivia from her daydream. "He hasn't mentioned anything, but he's been acting differently."

"No, I haven't told El yet," she answered weakly. "I didn't tell Cragen much either. Just that I needed a few days. Right now... you're the only one who knows." she sighed, her head lolling back against the cushions of the sofa. She hadn't even meant to tell Casey. Sooner or later, everyone would know. She really wasn't sure what she was waiting for. 

"I heard Elliot mention stopping by here... has he checked in with you at all?" Casey was being cautious, Olivia could feel it as the words hit her ears. She really didn't want to think about Elliot and all the pain she'd caused him — and would continue to cause him. But she understood why Casey asked. She and Elliot were topics of discussion around the precinct. She wasn't sure why exactly. They were friends, they did their job, but still, everybody seemed to watch them with precision. Maybe it had to do with them and the metaphorical gold stars they received in Cragen's class.

"Yeah, he stopped by... about 75 times. I haven't spoken to him face to face though, I just told him not to worry." she didn't feel like explaining the depth of her conversation with Elliot to Casey. She wasn't even sure if it was actually a conversation, more like a moment. A moment she couldn't really put into words. All she really knew was how goddamn comforting it was to finally be less than an inch or so away from him; to brush her fingers over his. The entire moment could've gone without as many words and it still would've held the same impact for her. 

He was the exhale of a deep breath she didn't know she was holding. 

"I haven't said anything to anyone, just so you know," Casey added cautiously. Olivia could feel the hesitance in her friend, how fearful she was to step one toe over the line. "Nobody has said anything at the precinct; at least not anything that I've heard."

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair as she sighed. Her hand fell back down into her lap as she forced out the words that she didn't want to say. "Uh, you're the only person who knows. I mean, Cragen knows I asked for time off, but he doesn't know why. Neither does Elliot. I uh—" she paused, shaking her head ever so softly. "I don't think I'm gonna say anything until after I know more about the situation. I still have to meet my doctors, do a biopsy, make a plan. All I know is that right now, the chances of it being benign are... slim."

Casey audibly gulped as the words sunk in. "Well, your secret is safe with me,"  she whispered sadly. "If you need somebody to go with you, I'm just a call away." What she wasn't putting into words was how much she truly meant it. She'd postpone a trial appearance if she had to, even if it meant causing Arthur Branch to have a coronary. 

"Thank you," Olivia smiled weakly, forcing a tough smile as she patted Casey's leg. "I have an appointment tomorrow, a sort of consultation. I was able to get into Sloan-Kettering..." she paused, squeezing her eyes shut as her heart rate started to speed up. It hadn't meant to come out sounding like an accomplishment, like some sort of over-achiever who was graduating with honors. "God, I never thought I'd say those words," she choked, a small stream of tears started to fall. 

Before she could even register the sound of her own sniffling, Casey's arm was reaching over her shoulder, grasping her into a tight hug. Hugs were dangerous, always the easiest way to hide your face, Olivia thought. Through the sound of her own subtle cries, she could hear Casey beginning to choke up as well. 

She had sworn that nobody would see her cry. She'd get through it, and she'd do it alone if she had to. But she'd be lying if she said it didn't feel entirely too cathartic to finally cry into something other than her pillow. Instead, for the first time, it was in the warm arms of a friend who cared more than she'd ever be able to comprehend. 

"It's gonna be okay, Liv." Casey sobbed quietly into her shoulder. 

Would it?