Desdemona

Chapter Eleven

"It won't be the same, Mona. Listen to me sweetheart, I won't let it be the same. Things are different this time, you both know more. Dess, Phil is not your father. He's a completely different person. I promise you won't have to go through that all again, Dessie, and I know you can do it. This time you'll have me." Nott told me, his voice gentle but intense. I looked at him in wonder, surprised enough to stop crying.

"You know?" I asked, my voice rough.

"No. Not until just now." He replied carefully. My lips curved into a watery smile.

"You know me." I stressed, my eyes widened slightly. Nott smiled too.

"Yeah, I guess I do." He agreed, his voice light, but tired, worried. All of this, everything, everything that we had to deal with every day, it was all very real, real problems, real pain, real fear, real tears, real pressure that was always pushing on us. Sometimes it became too much, and I wished that I could give in, but what could I do? There was nothing I could do to push Nott away, and I knew if I somehow managed to, I would fall apart without him immediately. I needed him so I could function; I couldn't do this one my own. With that in mind, brought my face still closer to his, and leaned my cheek against his cheek. We both tightened our arms around the other, never wanting to let go. He needed me as much as I needed him, what he was like when I had first met him... I never wanted to see that look in his eyes again, but now and then, I caught a shadow of it, and it scared me. Nott, and only Nott, could feel as much pain as I could. That kind of pain only came from loving someone so much that they were your world, and then having them break you completely, leaving you a shattered, hollow shell of the person you were before. I closed my eyes again, and forced myself to focus in the present. I breathed in Nott's smell that meant love and safety to me, and a shudder rippled through me. Even after all that had happened, all that I had gone through, it surprised even me that I was able to love someone, love Nott, as much as I did. I lay with him, our bodies close but our hearts closer, feeling safe and loved in his embrace, staving off the cold, unforgiving world outside.

Nott's POV

I slipped silently out of my bed, careful not to jostle Mona. I looked down at her tired, sleeping face, then forced myself to look away. I grabbed a pair of red Armani skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, and my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie that I had gotten from Mona, then went into the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind me. I turned the water on almost as hot as it could go, then stepped under the torrent of steaming water. It hurt a little at first, but I quickly adjusted to it, and I closed my eyes as the hot steam swirled around me. I tried to relax, and use this time alone to pull myself together a bit before Mona woke up. When I was as relaxed as I was going to get, I quickly washed my hair and scrubbed my body, then reluctantly shut off the shower and stepped out. I quickly dried myself off and got dressed before I got cold, ran my hand through my short hair, then opened the bathroom door and walked back into my bedroom. Mona was awake and sitting on the edge of my bed, wearing my shirt, her head in her hands. She looked so small and vulnerable as she sat there alone, hunched in on herself. I walked slowly over to her, then knelt on the ground in front her. I gently took her hands in mine, kissed them softly, getting her to look at me. Mona's eyes were read from crying, her face pale. I carefully placed my hands on either side of her face, holding her as if she might break, holding like she was as precious to the world as she was to me. She rested her hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes, searching for something. Answers? Hope? Love? Reassurance? I wasn't sure what she was looking for, but she seemed to find it. She smiled a tiny smile at me, but I could see her broken heart in her eyes.

"I feel like I'm fading, Nott. Like I'm not even here anymore, like nobody sees me. I'm either angry or helpless or scared or desperate or hurting all the time, but in the end, all I am is broken. Damaged. Not whole. I'm scared, Nott. I'm scared of the darkness that I can see yawning before me, scared of feeling this way, scared of slowly becoming so I don't exist anymore." She whispered, so softly that her voice was like leaves rasping over the ground.

"I see you. Sometimes it feels like all is see you. I see someone who's hurting, who's afraid, who's lonely. But I see that. I also see a smart, beautiful young woman, whose heart is overflowing with kindness and love, a young woman who needs to find trust. Someone who loves and lives with unbridled passion, who just needs to take the jump. Your smile lights every darkened corner, Mona, please don't deprive the world the privilege of seeing it just because you're afraid. It can be the scariest feeling in the world, knowing that this is your life, and that you have to live it everyday. But there's more to it that being angry and hurt and scared and helpless, there's happiness, there's fun and of course, there's love. Mona, I've seen the darkness, I've heard it, heard it calling my name. My past isn't pretty, love, you know that better than anyone. I thought I would be lost without light forever, but then you came. You made me whole, made me love. You are whole, Dessie, because I'm always gonna be there to fill the gaps, to light your shadows. I won't let you fall. Your my girl, Desdemona, and I can't lose you. I thought I had nothing left to lose, but then you showed me how much there was to live for." I finished, looking honestly into her eyes, my lips turned up into a half hopeful smile. Mona was just looking at me, and I could tell she was making a decision. Then something hardened in her eyes, and I saw her core, inner strength shine in her eyes.

"You're right, Nott. There's so much to live for." She said, her voice still soft, but there was a certainty, a strength, in it that hadn't been there before. I leaned down and kissed her forehead gently, and, never taking m eyes from her, I pressed Play on my iPod which was resting in my speaker system, and Breakfast In Bed by Train came on. I lifted Mona up from the bed, and put my arms on her waist. She rested her hands on my shoulders, and we just held each other closer and closer as we danced slowly.

Breakfast In Bed

California, dancing in the ocean

How I love you, better with some lotion

Sun is always shining

No one compares to you.

Sidney baby, young and like a flower

How I want you, give me just an hour

You seem like an angel

No one compares to you.

You're the best book I ever read

You're the smartest thing I ever said

You're breakfast in bed.

When in Norway you can do me more ways

Than any other you treat me like a mother loves her baby

Baby, do I do it for you?

Oh, 'cause all I ever wanted, baby, was baby to do it for you.

You're the best dream in my head

You're my calm thought when I see red

You're better than punk rock cred

You're breakfast in bed.

You're breakfast in bed.

You're breakfast in bed.

Wanna please you, wanna Japanese you

How I need you, dress you up and feed you

Love you like a daddy loves his baby, baby do it for me.

You're the fastest race I ever led

You're the finest bride I'll ever wed

You're the skin I never wanna shed.

You're breakfast in bed.

You're breakfast in bed.

You're breakfast in bed.

When the song ended, we just kept looking into each other's eyes, seeing through them and into the soul we each kept hidden from the outside. I wrapped my girl tightly in my arms, then released her. She kissed me gently, tenderly, then grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom to take a shower. I stood there for a moment, processing everything, and felt a smile make it's way onto my lips. Mona was going to be okay, we were going to be okay.