The next week was pretty much the same as before-I would be woken every night and we would sit together in the dark. Josh had been eating raw meat and was able to keep it down, and I was putting various creams on his face daily to try and stop the cuts from looking so angry.
And it was working.
I was amazed to see that half way through the week, the once open wounds had scabbed over and were looking like they might be healing. Josh was surprised too but tried not to get his hopes up.
His eye was looking almost back to normal now that the swelling had gone down, however they were both still cloudy and the heavy purple lines around them were still very visible.
Overall he looked a lot better... but his mouth hadn't changed at all. I assumed that this was something that was beyond recovery, but now he'd gotten used to it he was managing pretty well-he even spoke better.
Seeing the improvement gave me a whole new level of respect for Josh. He was beginning to find his sense of humour again and I thought I could see glimpses of the old Josh, before Hannah and Beth died. He didn't seem quite as detached from reality lately either. We'd been talking a lot about his feelings towards the others and about the anger he'd been holding onto, and it seemed to have helped a lot.
It was just the nights that were awful now. But I was hopeful that he would get there eventually.
I hadn't said anything about what he'd said the week before just in case I made things awkward, and he hadn't mentioned it either... but I felt as though there was something on his mind when we did get near the subject of us hanging out as a group and so I thought I should approach the subject.
"Do you miss the others?" I asked from the couch as he sat down next to me.
"A little, I guess."
"Are you still mad at them?"
He sighed, "I don't want to be... but it's hard to forget everything."
"I understand. Maybe they could come and visit? You might get some closure?"
"No, no, no... that's a horrible idea... I don't want them to see me like this."
"I mean... I'm seeing you like this."
He chuckled, "yeah but you're the most important one.."
I laughed it off and he flashed me an uneven grin, "you're still the same old Josh. They'd be happy to know you're alive."
"I'm not the same."
"You are to me."
He raised his eyebrows, "really? You think I could get away with going back home and pretending everything is fine?"
"Well... no... but I mean you're the same person. Do you remember how close we used to be before all that shit happened...? I feel like I'm talking to that Josh again."
He stepped a little closer, "you know... I kinda feel more like that Josh again... I just don't look like him."
"Looks aren't everything," I smirked and he laughed.
"That's good then otherwise I'd be screwed."
He was smiling but his eyes looked distant, "I've really fucked everything up, haven't I."
"What do you mean?"
"If I hadn't have asked everyone out here then none of this would have happened... you wouldn't have ever thought badly of me and I wouldn't be looking like something out of Frankenstein right now."
"I don't think badly of you... you were sick, Josh, and you were going through a really hard time... I'm sure the others feel the same too."
"You know... your opinion of me matters more that theirs."
"I know."
"What do you mean you know?"
"You might have said something about how you felt about me the other night..."
He looked embarrassed but forced a laugh, "shit... real smooth, Josh..."
I grinned, "don't sweat it. I remember how it used to be between us... I guess I already knew. And I can't pretend that I didn't feel like we had some kind of connection."
"I always thought you felt it too... I mean... I guess I hoped you did... but I was too much of a pussy to say anything. And there I was taking the piss out of Chris for not going for it with Ashley."
"It's okay."
"No its not... I should have said something and now it's too late."
"Its never too late," I looked at the floor, "maybe things have changed but we're both still here."
"Sam... look at me... I'm not exactly boyfriend material am I."
"Maybe once we get you better you might be."
"I wont get better, I'm stuck looking like this-"
"I was talking about your mental health, not your appearance. I don't give a shit if you look like the creature from the black lagoon."
He laughed at that-a real laugh this time-and I took his hand.
"It doesn't matter to me what you look like, as long as you're still you."
Josh looked bashfully at the ground, "jeez you know how to put a guy on the spot..."
"Now enough of the sappy stuff, let's go and get you some food. We can try and put a little bit of normal stuff in there today too."
"Lucky me..." he sniggered as I lead him through to the kitchen.
