Josh had been up and down for the next few nights and I was beginning to get tired of the nightly routine. Each time he tried to sleep, he would wake up shrieking and was convinced that he was hallucinating. I couldn't make him realise that this was reality, just had to wait for the hysteria to pass and then calm him down. It was gruelling.
It was the fourth night in a row of him waking me up, and I'd taken him to my room to calm him down when he had broken down into tears. "I can't keep doing this every night, I'm so fucking tired."
Tell me about it...
"I know but it'll get better, I promise-"
"Of course you'd say that! If you're in my head then of course you'd tell me I'll be okay! Because I want to be okay!"
"I'm not in your head," I said for the hundredth time since I'd come here, "I came back for you-"
"Why!"
"Because I care about you."
"See now I know you're in my head because the real Sam wouldn't have come back for me, she wouldn't have given a shit enough to come and find me. My head wanted you to come back for me so that's what happened, the real Sam doesn't know."
"Doesn't know what?"
"How I really feel about her, how I've always felt about her."
I was stunned. He didn't look like he even knew what he'd said and was shaking his head back and forth. I didn't know what to say, "how do you feel about me, Josh?"
"You're not Sam, you're just my version of Sam!"
"Tell me how you feel about the real Sam then."
"I've always loved her, ever since I met her, Hannah and Beth always teased me about it but I never told her how I felt and now I have to live with that."
"You can still tell her."
"She's never coming back for me, I'm in the fucking mines and no one is coming back for me."
"Josh!" I shook him harshly and he flinched away from me, "you're here! You're not in the mines, you're here with me! This is real, why won't you listen to me!"
I was squeezing his arms tightly and he pulled away.
"Ah you don't have to hurt me!" He looked around and then back at me and I could tell that the worst of it had passed. He looked sheepish, "if I feel pain then... I guess this is real..."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you."
He closed his eyes and leaned into my chest, and I held him as close as I could. He didn't say anything about what he'd said, I doubted he really remembered, and I was happy about that. I had always had a crush on Josh but since finding out about all of the issues he had, not to mention what he did to my friends, I had felt strange about liking him. And now... now it was all messed up. I didn't know what to think.
"Will you stay with me?" He asked quietly.
"Of course."
"I mean... for how long? What happens when you need to leave?"
I held him tighter, "I won't leave you again. I promise."
We stayed like that for the rest of he evening and I managed to sleep for a few hours before the sun began to rise.
"I remember being down there at the start," Josh spoke gently and my eyes flicked up to look at him.
"Mike... left me down there after Hannah dragged me away. I thought I was dreaming... she made me eat..." he paused, "she turned me into this. I wanted to find a way out but I was disoriented... I couldn't think straight and I kept going round in circles. I was so... angry that Mike left me. I know what I did to the others was bad but I couldn't believe that he just left me down there. I wanted you guys to come find me so bad but you never did. I thought... I thought that maybe you'd all died. I was fucking terrified, I just didn't know where I was or if I'd ever get out... I don't remember much after the first few days. It's like I just fell asleep and woke up here with you."
"You don't remember anymore than that?"
He shook his head.
"That's probably not a bad thing."
I touched the cut on his cheek, "this looks better than before."
He looked round at me, surprised at the contact, and I frowned, "does it hurt?"
"Not anymore."
"Can... you feel when someone is touching you? Or is it the same as the cold water?"
"I still feel pain and I can feel if something is touching me, but it's... more of a dull feeling."
"I wish this hadn't happened to you. I'm sorry for everything. I really am."
"It's okay. You're here now," he put a pale hand on mine and squeezed my fingers, "and I am really grateful you are."
As much as I was scared by his grotesque features, he was still the man I remembered and it was difficult not to feel an overwhelming sadness at how he was now.
"Why don't you have a bath and I'll try and clean your wounds a bit more."
"Okay."
