I managed to console Josh after fifteen minutes of sitting together on the cold bathroom floor and suggested that he had a shower. He looked as though he was feeling pretty numb about the whole thing and just nodded quietly as I turned on the water for him.
"Just... make sure you shout if you need anything, okay?"
He nodded and I left the room.
I went and sat by the fire, deciding that I needed a moment to think things through, and warmed my hands against the flames.
This was all so fucked up...
I hadn't realised how long I'd been sat there for until I glanced at my phone and I noticed that it had been almost two hours.
"Josh?" I called, "everything okay?"
There was no response so I got up to find him. I knocked on the door but he didn't reply, so I slowly opened it. He was stood in the bath with his back to me, still under the spray of water.
"Josh?" I asked quietly but he didn't move. I stepped inside and walked slowly over to him. His skin looked grey and the yellowish tinge was dotted around various parts of his body. It made me immensely sad to see Josh in such a way... he'd always been a pretty good looking guy and looked after himself well.
I put my hand up to touch his bare shoulder and he jumped at my touch.
"The water is freezing!" I quickly grabbed a towel and turned off the taps before wrapping it around his pale body.
"I don't even feel it," he said flatly, not making eye contact. I didn't know what to say to that and he looked away as his eyebrows arched in sorrow.
"Hey, it'll be okay-"
"You keep saying that but I don't think it will be."
"Come on. Let's go and get you warm-"
"Didn't you hear me? I don't feel it."
"You've been living outdoors for months, of course you don't," I said quickly in an attempt to brush off the thought that Josh's skin might be too far gone to save. I took his hand and lead him to the couch, set him down and went to find something for him to wear. Josh had kept clothes here from when he used to visit with his family, so there were a few shirts and pairs of trousers in the bedroom draws.
"Here," I handed them to him but he didn't look up at me so I put them on the floor. I sat down next to him.
"I get why you wanted to get revenge on the others, by the way."
He looked at me.
"I blamed them for what happened to Hannah and Beth too... but I promise you; I wasn't involved. I walked in the room after it had happened, I'd never do that to anyone."
"It was horrible... what the others did... I thought Chris was supposed to be my best friend-"
"Chris wasn't part of it either," I butted in, "he was drinking with you, remember? I saw him passed out just like you were."
He frowned, "but... I thought... fuck it's all so fuzzy..."
"I promise you he wasn't involved. And neither was I. But I understand that you were upset and... and you weren't in a good place..."
He didn't reply.
"Why didn't you tell us what you were going through?"
"I don't know. I didn't want you all to know, I guess... I thought you'd all think differently of me. And by that time I was planning on making you all pay for what you did to my sisters." He glanced at me, "sorry. I'm just being honest."
"It's okay. I want you to be honest with me."
I noticed him looking in the reflection of a photo frame and I put my hand on his, "I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks."
"Are you kidding? I'm a fucking monster."
"You're still you."
"Wonder how long that will last..."
"Hey, don't think like that. You'll be okay."
"Even if I wasn't like this I'd still be screwed. I'm all messed up in here," he pointed at his head before letting his arm fall loosely onto his lap again.
"It's okay to be a little different, Josh. We can work through it... we spoke about Beth and Hannah all the time, I would have worked through it with you if I'd known..."
"You would?"
"Of course. You're one of my closest friends, Josh... of course I would have been there for you."
He was quiet for a while before muttering, "I thought you hurt my sisters... I was so angry with you for so long but... I always wanted to believe that you didn't have anything to do with it... I know you're a good person... maybe if I'd known I would have spoken to you about it all but... I was so angry with everyone."
"I know."
"If you had nothing to do with it then I'm sorry that I treated you the way I did."
"It's okay. I can't imagine losing anyone in my family the way you did... I don't blame you for not wanting to speak to us about anything."
He seemed a little brighter now we'd spoken and reached down to pick up the clothes I'd brought for him. I averted my eyes as he slipped on the trousers and he paused at the shirt as he examined his arms.
"I don't know how I'm still alive. Look at my skin... it's like I'm already dead."
"Don't say that," I looked at him and gestured for him to put the shirt on, "just try not to think about it."
We sat quietly in the little cabin, and I told Josh about everything that had happened the day that he had gone missing.
