the anatomy of love / jungri

幕间：迷茫是一种清楚。

The entire situation unfolded like this: Jungkook goes out on a business trip, leaving me to finally take the initiative and storm Jimin's apartment, where I incidentally catch Park Jimin and Kang Seulgi in a compromised position on the couch.

Naturally, Seulgi thereafter agreed to let me stay in her own apartment with her—up until the wedding itself, which was when Jungkook would arrive back from San Francisco—but it wasn't until after two weeks of me staying at her place that Seulgi finally brings herself to ask what's been on her mind.

"What are you really thinking, Rim? The way you feel about Jungkook—is it really something that can be changed with a situation like that?" she asks, lying on her side of the bed beside me. It's midnight, and Seulgi had just finished typing up an outline for the next chapter in her book. "I know you told him that you'd go back to pretending not to love him again—does that mean you plan on giving up your feelings for him altogether?"

I turn onto my side to face her, pulling the blanket closer to my chest.

"Honestly? I don't know if I'm giving up or not." I say, "When you like someone for that long, it would feel strange not to like them anymore. Ten years, unnie—ten years is so long, so long that I don't even remember what it was like to not like him."

My voice drowns out in the Seoul traffic for a moment, the rush of engines outside creating a long pause.

But, in the end, I finally answer her question. "You know, in those ten years, I've dated other men." I muse, "I've also had physical relationships with other men, but I always knew I loved him. Maybe it's because I'm tired...or maybe it's because I'm scared of a bad ending...I think I've always been waiting for an excuse to stop trying. So, even though I know it's only reasonable that he doesn't trust me yet, I walked away. Because Soojin...Soojin was an excuse to stop trying."

Seulgi mulls over this quietly as I stare at the ceiling in silence.

"Rim," she begins, slowly, "are you really sure you want to give up now? Didn't he say he liked you? Didn't he say he'd be willing to try for you?" she questions in the dark. "It's not that I'm scolding you, but Yerim, from what you and Jimin have told me, he's always lost the people closest to him. To ask him to try was already a big step—you can only proceed slowly from here on, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to reach that point together. What exactly do you need him to say or do for you to believe—for you to understand that he also loves you, but it might take some time for him to trust you?"

Kang Seulgi, in the end, will always be Kang Seulgi. She never keeps the words she wants to say encased in her heart—she says them, regardless of the consequence, and it's only her who can always see things so clearly.

"You're right." I sigh, "I'm the one who stepped away this time. I just think—I just feel like we were too lucky, you know? We were lucky that we had security cameras, we were lucky that I believe Jungkook, because after some time passes, there will be another Seo Soojin waiting for us, and when that time comes, will we still escape unscathed? Just like..."

It's only when the words fall into the air that I realize what I've been referencing all along. Seulgi seems to realize as well as I chuckle bitterly, "Just like how much my mom loves my dad, and my dad loves my mom...but everything was so cruel to them anyways."

Seulgi lets out a long exhale as she hugs me under the blanket. "I'm sorry, Yerim." she whispers as I hug her back. "Actually, it's okay if you two don't end up in a situation where love is a factor—Yerim, no matter what, I just want you to be happy. I just want you to find your own happiness, okay?"

I shake my head. "Unnie, how can I have a say in this sort of thing?"

"I promise you, you have a say." She pulls back as her fiery eyes glimmer in the darkness. "Can you promise me you'll be happy?"