Sinful Sonatas

3 Movements

The first time he ever said I love you he was in the bathroom of their university dormitory.

Eddy was sprawled on the tiled floor, forcing himself to purge every last drop of alcohol in his system. He clung to the toilet as if it was a bénitier, and he, the sinner, was cleansing himself for consuming Lucifer's elixir the night before. He was not able to resist the temptation of euphoric bliss, the temporary high, of being unhinged. And so he paid his penance with dry heaves, ringing ears, and shaking limbs.

He was crying when his saviour came with an orange juice on one hand, and an Advil on the other. "You have to hydrate" Brett's mellow voice echoed in the room, causing Eddy to cease whimpering. He popped the pill and drank the entire glass desperately, as if it was his last shot at salvation.

"Do you want to transfer to the bed?" Brett whispered in Eddy's ear, concern evident in his tone. Eddy gave a weak shake of his head before once again praying to the porcelain god. Brett rubbed Eddy's back as the latter continued filling their bathroom with a cacophony of cries and dry heaving.

After a few more minutes of this, Eddy was absolutely enervated. He was numb. He was delirious. He was cold. He could barely open his eyes because of exhaustion. He was sure that there was nothing else left to vomit and so it was safe for him to transfer to the bedroom and sleep his headache away. Eddy mustered up the strength he had left to ask his best mate to help him stand. Brett wrapped his arm around Eddy's waist, lifting him up and supporting him as they made their way out of the bathroom.

"Thank you" Eddy whispered as his head hit the pillow. He was being tucked into bed when he whispered "I love you."

The second time he said I love you he was in a hotel room in Canada.

It was 2 am and he was restless. He couldn't fathom the jolt of electricity that he felt during that night's performance, particularly when he and Brett played Sarsate's Navarra and their eyes locked for a brief second. It wasn't as if that was the first time it ever happened, in fact, it was an integral part of playing the piece. They constantly had to give each other cues in order to keep perfectly in sync.

That was the thing with playing as a duet–one had to be the Sun while the other had to be the planet that orbited around it. And since Eddy played first violin, he had to make sure that Brett would be kept in his orbit; that he would not become a wandering planet in a galaxy of harmonics.

But tonight was different. Tonight, there was a shift of force, of power. Eddy felt a weird sensation spread through his body when their eyes met. It was as if gravity left the centre of the Earth and found its new home in Brett's eyes. He felt a tug in his chest, a tug on the heartstrings he didn't even know he had, violently pulling him towards the Sun. His Sun.

Eddy rolled to his side to face the bed parallel to his. He looked at Brett, all peaceful in his sleep, and whispered "I think I'm in love with you." And at that point he knew he had to defy the laws of physics somehow if he didn't want to crash and burn.

The third time he said I love you, it was already too late.

He leaned his whole weight on an ionic order column as he lit a cigarette. It wasn't his first stick for that day, and it most certainly wasn't his last.

He picked up the nasty habit right after the metanoia he had in Canada. He didn't even enjoy it, but it was an effective crutch. He would light a stick every time he felt like his heart would bounce right out of his chest and run to Brett, which happened quite often. He would then light another to calm his nerves. The third one was his death wish, treating it like a candle whose smoke would bring up his prayers to the gods. And that prayer held morbid thoughts and songs of despair of a lover whose affection was unrequited, of a warrior who could no longer fight.

Eddy was Prometheus, and his devotion to Brett was Zeus' eagle that brought him immense suffering every single day. He was Icarus, and he flew too close to the Sun. He fell too fast, too hard, finding himself stuck in an elaborate labyrinth that he could only escape if he would write his own elegy–a confession to the object of his affections.

But Eddy was a proud man, proud but scared. He was afraid of the possible rejection, of the disdain, of the anger, the disgust, the ending of a friendship forged in stone, the ripping of his heart. He was afraid that by wanting more, he would be given less. And that was not something he was willing to bargain. Brett wasn't someone he was willing to lose.

And so Eddy locked his heart away and buried it deep. He silenced his yearning with complicated musical pieces that he practiced from dusk to dawn. He averted his eyes when Brett's stare lingered a little bit longer, shrugged off the goosebumps that formed on his skin when Brett would squeeze him a little bit tighter, and ignored the warmth that pooled in his chest when Brett would call his name a little bit sweeter. He thought he could keep this up forever, but his heart was more powerful than what he gave it credit for.

An hour ago Eddy's heart screamed loud enough for Brett to hear and heed its calls. It happened just after the other groomsmen were whisked out of the room by the wedding coordinator. Brett and Eddy were left in a small chamber that had such bad acoustics a pin drop would sound like a nail being hammered to a wall. And that was exactly why the events that unfolded next seemed more horrendous than how it actually was in reality.

"I love you" Eddy's words echoed inside the room, each reverberation sounding uglier than the last one. As soon as he heard it, he wished he could take it back. There was no point in telling Brett. It was too late.

Brett looked at him with tired, disappointed eyes. "Why now, Eddy? You had three years" he said. Eddy's brows furrowed in confusion. "Don't act like you didn't know I felt the same way" Brett said accusingly.

Eddy wanted to whisper "I didn't," but this time he chose to hold his tongue. The confession was pointless. Brett already said it was too late, he knew it was too late, and so he swallowed back his pride and buried his heart once more.

"I loved you" Brett said as he took Eddy's face in his hands. "But I have Amelia now." Eddy nodded in understanding before pulling Brett towards him for a tight embrace.

"I'd give the world for your happiness, Brett" he whispered in his friend's ear.

"And I'd give the world for yours" Brett answered.