Don't Remind Me (A Junjou Romantica Fanfiction)

Chapter 6

I haven't seen Usagi in two weeks. He wouldn't accept any visitors in the hospital and I'm heartbroken. My brother is letting me stay at his place until everything is sorted out. I eventually came out and told him what happened to me and that's why Usagi did what he did. I told him that it was my fault Usagi hurt himself. If only I had taken advice from my therapist and communicated better... No, there isn't much more I could've done. Sometimes I blame him for being selfish, then take fistfulls of my hair and pull as hard as I can, trying to punish myself for thinking something like that, but all these conflicting thoughts are a punishment themselves.

My brother felt very uncomfortable when I told him what happened and decided to never bring it up again except for the occasional, "Have you heard from Usagi-san yet?" which I always responded with a blunt no. He never hugged me or said everything would be okay. In fact, I'm sure he wants nothing to do with it. How is he certain I'm not also suicidal? Does he even care? Why is Usagi the one who's in the hospital? He wasn't the one who was raped. He doesn't have the right to be suicidal. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate everything.

"Misaki? Are you hungry?" My brother's wife stands in the doorway, her toddler on her hip.

"No, thank you."

"Honey, you're skin and bone. Your shirt looks like it'll fall right off you."

I look down. This is Usagi's shirt. Of course it's big. But has it always been this big?

"Don't you want to look well so Usagi isn't worried when he sees you?" She continues.

I sigh heavily, "I suppose." She seems to be more supportive than my own brother. Maybe his toxic masculinity makes it impossible for him to feel sympathy towards another male. I don't feel like seeing him today. I want to be alone. "Is it okay if I eat in here?"

"That's fine, sweetheart."

She's so kind. I hate my brother.

I spent Christmas here. I wasn't ever able to give Usagi his present and every time I think about him spending the holidays in an isolated hospital room, I start to feel queasy. But it's his fault he's in there. I don't care anymore. I hope he never calls me again. Doesn't he realize what he's doing to me? Why doesn't he care how I feel?

My stomach flips over and over. I can't lift my food to my lips. My hands are shaking and suddenly I realize tears are running down my gaunt cheeks. Why won't Usagi let me see him? Doesn't he know I love him? I really do. I can admit that now. After everything we've gone through together, I love him and I want to give myself to him. I'll tell him everything. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't need to keep secrets from someone I love.

I'm letting out louder sobs now. I don't care who hears me. I want them to hear me. Someone please do something.

I can't take this anymore.

Please help me.

Someone help me.

I feel someone's hand pull me in and wrap their arms around me. A strong, meaningful embrace. Cold hands. It has to be Usagi. I'll just pray it is, maybe then it really will be him. I refuse to open my eyes. The world is a dark place. If I just close my eyes, I won't have to see what's in the dark.

"It really is my fault." My whispered words are distorted by my staggered breathing, barely audible, "This time..."

The person shushes me and pulls me closer, "Everything will be okay."

It was my brother. Obviously it had to be my brother. I'm glad he really does care about me. Why am I so selfish? Why does everything have to be about me? I'm sorry.

"You're going to be just fine. Usagi will be, too."

"How do you know?"

"He told me."

"He..." I sat up, my teary eyes meeting my brother's, "...what?"

"He didn't want you to worry about him."

"How could staying silent possibly keep me from worrying about him?!" I'm screaming at this point, my heart is in my throat. I hate them both all over again. I feel so betrayed and even more pathetic.

"Maybe Usagi needed some time to work on himself."

My face contorted, "By trying to kill himself?! He could've just told me how he was feeling!"

"You could've told him how you were feeling, too."

My body begins to shake even harder, "I'm sorry... I don't understand what is wrong with me."

"Nothing's wrong with you. Everyone deals with traumatic experiences differently. It's not your fault Usagi reacted the way he did, and it's not his fault either."

He is starting to sound more like a therapist than my own therapist.

"Can I see him?"

"He still doesn't want any visitors, but I can ask again." He begins to release my arms and reaches for his cell phone.

"Can you tell him something for me?"

"Sure, what's that?"

"Can you tell him I love him?"