SCPs but they're explained by an idiot

SCP-049 (Part One)

I'm glad someone's taking notes.

After that 049 willingly entered Foundation custody.

The following interview was conducted by Dr. Raymond Hamm during the initial investigation, but I listened to the log and quite honestly, I think I remember it a bit differently

Interviewer: Dr. Raymond Hamm (Duh)

Interviewee: SCP-049

SCP-049: Alors, qui parle en premier, est-ce que je parle en premier, ou vous?

Dr. Hamm: (Aside) Wait what? Is that French or something? Can we get a translator?

049: Oh wow, is that the King's English? No need for a translator, I can speak it well enough.

Dr.Hamm: Thank god. So, hi, I'm Dr.Hamm and I-

049: Oh hey, you're a doctor too, huh? Cool! What's your specialty?

Dr.Hamm: Crytobiology. Basically I got a degree in things that don't exist-

049: (Laughs) Small world, isn't it, I mean we're both people of medicine! And I thought I was kidnapped by a bunch of peasants!

Dr. Hamm: Well, you're not wrong there-

049: And this place. Is it your laboratory? It's rather clean, isn't it? And with little trace of The Pestilence.

Dr. Hamm: The Pestilence? What the hell is that?

049: (Aggressively waving around a pointed stick) Yes! The Scourge! The Great Dying! The Pestilence, my dude! It's everywhere out there, man. So many people died,  and many more will until a cure is made. (Leans back in chair) Good thing is, I'm pretty close. It's my purpose, ya see. The Cure To End All Cures, my dude!

Dr. Hamm: Watch wh-f*ck, watch where you're waving that around. Anyway, are you talking about the bubonic plague?

049: (Pauses) What's that?

Dr. Hamm: I see. Well, those entities our agents encountered at that house, they were dead when you saw them, yes? And you brought them back to life?

049: Somewhat. You see things in 2-D, good sir. Expand your horizon, Doctor.  Life and death, sickness and health, these are normie terms for normie physicians. There's only one big, bad illness we need to focus on, and it's The Pestilence, BRO. Nothing else! And I swear, those guys were pretty ill.

Dr. Hamm: You think you- you CURED those people!?

049: You better believe it, my cure is MOST effective.

Dr. Hamm: Those...things...were not human.

049: (Pauses and glares at Dr. Hamm) Yeah, well, my cure...it's not perfect. You can't force progress, my dude. A perfect cure will come in time. I've spent a lifetime developing my methods, whatever that means, and I'm willing to spend another, if needed. What am I saying? We're wasting time! I'm going to need a lab of my own, and assistants, though, I think I can find some on my own.

Dr.Hamm: Yeah, I don't think that's going to fly-

049: Nonsense! We're all people of science-

Dr. Hamm: Well, Karen isn't-

049: Now fetch your coat, and other things! (Waves pointed stick around) Our work begins now!

Dr. Hamm: We're confiscating that.

Interviewer's Note: While 049 is capable of speaking in a very human way, one feels a sense of unease when in it's presence. Make no mistake, there's something up with 049.

By the way, we confiscated that pointed stick. Partly due to standard confiscation protocols,  but mostly because 049 is a menace swinging it around. 049 was pissed at first, but after we made some concessions in providing it with "test subjects" (which are, admittedly, more for the benefit of our own research) it warmed up to the idea.

Addendum 049.2: Observation Log

While at containment at Site-19, 049 has spent a considerable amount of time studying and preforming 'surgery', if you could even call it that, on the  various mammalian corpses it has been provided. 049 will sometimes spend days preforming surgery, (Regardless of whether it becomes an instance of 049-2) and then spending several MORE days taking notes in this weird leather journal it has.

 I mean, it's written in an unknown language, so who knows what 049 is writing? It can't possibly be any weirder than what Katkit has in her journals, though. I know that much.

Fun Fact: 049 will often try to share it's 'findings' with Foundation staff.

SCP-049: So I cut up this animal want to see the results

Foundation staff: If you're going to tell us it has guts, we know. Everyone knows that, dude. We figured that out in 600 BCE.

SCP-049: No! Really?

Foundation staff: Yes, dude, seriously.

(Note: JESUS, OVER A THOUSAND WORDS? WHAT AM I, AN ACTUAL WRITER?)