Broken Like Me

1 - The Feeling

JANUARY 2019

BECKHAM.

Beckham was hit with a particularly bizarre feeling tonight.

He had become accustomed to either feeling weird things or absolutely nothing at all, especially lately, but the feeling that rapidly stumbled upon him tonight caught him off guard. Although Beckham would struggle if you asked him to describe this feeling by writing it down on a piece of paper, he was certain of one thing. It was incredibly unpleasant.

It was as if one minute he was completely fine, and then the very next he was much too aware of his impending, inevitable doom. Beckham struggles in general with being hopeless about his life and the future, but the feeling he experienced tonight made him feel like he knew for a fact that his life was hopeless. While it made him severely uncomfortable, Beckham also felt somewhat relieved. He no longer had to hold on to the tiny thought in the back of his mind that perhaps there was hope for his life after all. He understood that he could finally give up and accept his (probably) ominous fate. His sudden realization that he would be trapped with the dark thoughts that contaminate his mind and ruin his life was not at all frightening to him... it was liberating.

He was slightly rattled, however. After all, he had experienced a feeling so foreign to him despite his dark mind and the thoughts that ran through it. Before tonight, he was unaware that there were more feelings left for him to feel.

Beckham used to envision his future living in a huge, modern house with a beautiful wife and maybe even a couple of kids. He and his wife would drink coffee in the morning, help the kids with their homework in the afternoon, and then make love to each other at night. His family would be envied for their perfection and love for one another. He even thought that perhaps he would attend medical school to become a doctor so that he could help people for the rest of his life.

Now, Beckham cannot even help himself. The future he once visualized for himself seems silly and unrealistic. It even makes him sick to his stomach to remember what he used to see for himself in the future when now he sees nothing. Darkness. Blackness. Emptiness.

Beckham is at the age where he is now able to comprehend that once you have a child, your life is no longer about you. It is about them. You live to support them, love them, and help them grow. Once you have a child, you need to be there for them for (hopefully) the rest of their life. That is the biggest reason why Beckham's future plans have now been shattered.

You see, Beckham thinks about killing himself often. At least once every day, for sure; definitely a little too much for it to be considered normal. If he had a child, he couldn't just... off himself. He does have a heart and feelings. He believes that he would have to stay alive to be there for his child. To support them. And love them. And help them grow.

If he eliminates the possibility of having children in the future, Becham no longer has a problem. His suicide option remains open if he ever chooses to act on it. He would not have to feel as guilty for choosing to do what he felt he needed to do. At least he would not be leaving his children behind. The same applies to having a wife in the future. Beckham no longer sees that as a possibility, either.

Beckham has been depressed, among other things, for about a year. He once craved experiencing happiness again, but now, especially after the feeling that overpowered his mind tonight, he does not seem to care. He believes that his existence is pointless and that he will never again be a person that is not mentally ill.