Bubbles

Chapter 21

Time passed. Kula, infuriatingly, fell even more deeply in love with Nalia.

She was so, so good. Kula fell in love with her heart, her soul. She loved her. And she hated herself for it.

She finally set about reading those heavy books in the library. She skipped around, looking for what she desperately needed.

And there it was. Ancient stories, diary entries, art pieces – even something that Kula recognized as a primitive form of theatre. Boys falling in love with boys. Girls falling in love with girls.

But why was it a sin, then?

She tried to tell Brendan. He seemed to know more than most about this... thing. But she was scared. Scared that he would tell his father, and Nalia. God forbid he told Nalia.

Still, life kept going. The dragon inched a kingdom closer to them, terrifying children and making Kula and Nalia scoff. The dragon wouldn't ever reach their kingdom, and they both knew it. It didn't need to. It was the fear that reached them, and that was just as powerful.

Fear. Everyone was so full of fear – fear for their families, fear for their secrets... and fear that the one person they loved wasn't ever meant to love them back.

One day, Kula was done. She wanted to get rid of it. She was sick of fear. 

She ran, cloak held tightly against the bitter cold – a storm was on the horizon – all the way to the nearest shrine to some deity who Kula had forgotten. The name wasn't important. At this point, Kula couldn't find it in herself to care.

"Please, please help me." Kula felt slightly ridiculous, but she figured that she had to try anything that could help.

"I am in love with my best friend. I've tried to rid myself of this... sin..." somehow, the word still had a bad taste in her mouth. Why? "But nothing's working, and she's just so... perfect. Not even perfect. Her flaws make me love her more. What is wrong with me? Please, fix me." She didn't know how to explain. She told herself that she wanted wanted this god to rid her of her love for Nalia, but, deep down, she just wanted them to make it okay for them to be in love. She had to keep herself from praying that Nalia liked her back.

She knelt at the base of the shrine, sobbing. She just wanted to be happy.

It was raining. The bitter cold wind seemed to blow deep into her soul. The rain was an army of tiny daggers, attacking her skin. She just felt so, so broken. Hot tears poured down her face as she sat there, softly forcing out a plea to fix something that, deep down, she didn't believe was truly a mistake.

In the end, it was Brendan who found her, ice cold and crying. He took her home. Kula felt empty, lost in a whirl of terrible emotion. Everything was a blur. Brendan asked her what was wrong. She couldn't hear him.

A day. Two days. Three. She stayed in bed, barely eating or drinking. She was so, so miserable.

A week later, Kula woke feeling a little better. She went outside. Everyone at the castle seemed shocked to see her out of bed. She walked around the garden for a time, before she saw Nalia.

She was picking flowers. She wasn't supposed to pick flowers from the garden. Kula's heart melted against her will, because that little rebellion was so deeply Nalia that she could hardly stand it.

Nalia noticed her. Her face immediately lit up and she ran to Kula, holding her tightly.

"I'm so glad you're okay, Ku!" Her hug deepened. Kula thought she might die.

"I'm fine, Lia. Don't worry."

"What happened? Why were you out there?" 

"Nothing, I just... got caught in the rain." Kula smiled brightly through the lie. 

"I picked these flowers for you!" Nalia held them out with a brilliant grin, until she realized what she'd said and hastily hid them behind her back. "Don't... tell anyone I got them here."

Kula laughed. It was so, so good to have Nalia back.

"Hey, it's okay. You know me, Nalia. I'm your ultimate partner in crime."

They talked and laughed and caught up. Kula almost cried, because she slowly began to realize something.

Something this perfect couldn't be wrong. Loving Nalia was totally beyond her control, and she couldn't quite believe that something out of your control could be evil. She didn't care if it was a 'sin'. If it was wrong to love this beautiful, wonderful girl, then maybe the world needed to rethink what was right and what was wrong.

And that was it. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she accepted it. That was the gift her past (or, rather, lack thereof) had given her – she hadn't spent her whole life wrapped up in the denial and self-hatred. She hadn't even known about this archaic law until recently. It hadn't yet sunk its claws deep into her. It was so, so easy to rip them from her skin. 

She loved Nalia. Her heart was light. It felt so good to think that without guilt, without shame. It was wonderful to just know, to hear her heart and, for the first time, really listen.

Still, she hadn't anticipated what being in love would feel like.

Hadn't prepared for the months of struggle to come. Speaking to Nalia was joy and torture wrapped up and presented with a bow. Heart pounding, tongue tying... no matter what she did, she couldn't seem to act normal.

It didn't take long for her to crack.