So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 41

"Jamie..." I could feel the flush spreading through my cheeks.

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "No, no, I didn't mean that!" Now he was the one furiously blushing too. "I mean, I thought about that—of course—but I was just so happy to have you close...I didn't mean for ya to think..."

Suddenly I was laughing again, my misinterpretation and his obvious embarrassment, striking me as funny.

James started laughing too. "Damn, I'm gonna have to watch what I say ain't I?" He shook his head ruefully. "You know me, I just blurt shit out." His face turned serious then and the laughter died on my tongue as I stared at him. "But this is too important Lei...I don't wanna scare ya away."

I look down, suddenly afraid of the emotions I was sure he'd easily be able to read on my face. He was right to be cautious, I was scared. It would be so easy to fall into his arms—I wanted it desperately—but I owed myself better than that. So much had happened, so much had changed; I was terrified of making the wrong choice.

"I...I can't make you any promises right now Jamie." I looked up to meet his gaze and I could read the fear on his face. "I can't see past the next couple minutes, much less days or beyond." I let out a breath. "So much has happened, so much has changed. I've changed...you...you've changed."

He cocked his head at me. "Am I so different?"

I shrugged off-handedly. "Your...your voice is deeper," I offered lamely.

"Six years ago I was still a boy, I grew up and I'm a man now Leila," he chuckled.

"I've noticed," I shot back quickly.

Too quickly. His lips spread into a slow smile and I felt my cheeks coloring red at my slip. He let my comment pass though.

"Look, maybe we've changed some, gotten older, but I believe that we're still the same two people who fell in love; the important stuff is the same. You've always been true to yourself and you still are. When I see how many fucked up decisions I've made, how much I've veered all over the place, I look at you and suddenly I know exactly where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be. Yer still my constant Leila. So, whatever may or may not be different, the one thing that hasn't changed is that you and me are supposed to be together."

My resistance took a punch to the gut and I trembled at his words. "What—"

I was interrupted by the sound of the bedside phone ringing.

"Fuck!" James muttered irritably. "Whoever it is can fuck off."

"Just answer it," I sighed, secretly grateful for the intrusion. "If it's management, they'll just end up sending someone to the room."

He grabbed the handset and I suddenly felt bad for the person on the other end. "What?!" James didn't try and hide his annoyance.

I watched the expression on his face go from irritation, frustration, and then finally resignation over the course of the short call. To his credit, he refrained from slamming the phone down. I just eyed him curiously as he let out a breath and then gave me a wan smile. "The jet leaves in a couple hours; that was someone just givin' the heads up that I gotta get packed and be downstairs in an hour." He ran a hand through his hair. "I thought we'd have more time this mornin' to talk."

"Oh." I was equal parts relieved and disappointed. "I guess I should get goin' too. I'll need to pack and get ready for the GNR van to take me to the airport."

I went to move off the bed when Jamie stopped me as he captured one of my hands. We sat staring at each other for many long moments. I couldn't help but notice the warring emotions in his eyes; love, fear, hope. It was the hope that finally made me look away.