I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

036. sour boy

When I woke up the next night after the party, it was the afternoon. I had over 10 missed calls, all from Sebastian. And several texts as well. All of them just consisted of him coaxing me to call him back, sometimes aggressive texts, and finally, the last one being what I assume was his half-assed apology. I refused to call him back out of spite and even though I slept for what felt like 20 hours, I still had no energy in me.

I had no energy until I saw a missed call from Joane. To be honest, I thought she would be the last person calling me right now. I've said this before and I'll say it a million times again, I feel extremely, indefinitely, guilty. But do I regret what happened between me and Sebastian before last night? No. The only thing I regret is letting him kiss me that night, and giving into him. There was no way that I could avoid Joane, she lived with me and she would have been in the living room or somewhere outside by now.

I forced myself out of bed and made an attempt to wash up but I had no energy. Until I walked down the stairs to find Joane making herself a cup of coffee. She looked tired and like she just got out of bed too. Once she saw me, she smiled.

"Oh, good morning!" She chirped, sounding tired but happy. I raised a brow in confusion.

"G-good morning." I cautiously reply, making sure to sit in a chair the furthest away from her since she was the one holding a jug of hot water, not that she would do anything to hurt me; I still had to be careful. "How was last night?" She asked, sounding oblivious. I faked a shrug, "It was...alright."

"Oh, good for you, sis. I literally did not remember what happened that night! Did anything go down last night? Josh told me I was blackout drunk." She tells me. A wave of relief washes over me as I sigh and sink down into the wooden seat.

"What's wrong, Kay?" She asks, tilting her head a bit. I shake my head and rise up immediately, "Nothing! Just hungover." I lie.

She groans, "Ugh, tell me about it!"

-

After breakfast, I finally decided to call Sebastian.

"Hello?"

"Kay! You picked up."

"Yeah..."

"Listen, I'm sorry about last night. I really am, I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I should've held myself together."

"I really don't want to be talking to you right now, but I need to tell you something important."

"What is it?"

"Joane doesn't remember anything."

"What?! C-can you meet me somewhere? Please, I need to talk to you."

"Umm, I guess so. Where?"

"The mall? I'm there already."

"Sure. See you in 10."

"Okay, I...I love yo-"

CALL ENDED

I nervously waited for Sebastian at the cafe he told me to meet him at. I rubbed my hands together and shook my leg. It's not like I could stop it from shaking, it's just something that happens when I had extreme anxiety. Joane believe me when I told her I was going to run some errands and I felt guilty yet again about lying to her. Lying to her has been something I've been doing for ages, yet these days I feel guilty about all of them, big lies, small lies, white lies, all of them.

"Hey."

I look up to see Sebastian nervously smiling down and me, and taking a seat. He looked like a mess, it seemed as though he hadn't slept for ages, and he was underdressed, but Sebastian still looked perfect to me.

"Hi." I say quietly. He smiles, "So, can you tell me what happened?" He asks. I shrug, playing with my hands, "Well, she apparently doesn't remember anything." He lights up like a firework, but doesn't say anything.

"That's good because it will get the headache out of the way. Josh doesn't know either, I talked to him this morning and he seemed fine to me." I explain, Sebastian seems even happier. I sigh, "But...I think we should stop seeing each other like this."

It was as if I broke the worst news possible to him as his face fell. His grin twisted into a frown and he had a look of sadness in his eyes for a moment, only for a moment.

"Last night was a close call. I don't want to hurt them anymore." I finally say, careful as to not let him know how much it hurt me to say it. I kept a strong poker face and avoided looking him in the eye. My eyes focused on my lap and hands.

"What about me?" He asks. I tilt my head in confusion. "This is hurting me too, you know." The audacity he had to say that.

"Sebastian, ever since day one, this whole situation has always been about you. You were the one that wanted Joane, and we helped each other. You were the one that then suddenly decided you wanted me, and I fell for you. Everything has always been about you." I say in a raised voice, but it wasn't loud enough for anyone else in the cafe to care. He stays silent, speechless. I had never yelled or raised my voice at him, and we've known each other for as long as I can remember.

"I'll see you when I see you." Is the last thing I say before shooting up out of my seat, slamming down a ten dollar bill and speed-walking out of the cafe, because I was sure that if I stayed any longer I would have started crying.