I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

30. dancing in the dark

 I invited Joane, Josh, Sebastian, and Tiffany over for dinner in celebration of Thanksgiving. Normally, we'd spend Thanksgiving at my parent's, but they decided they wanted to go on a little getaway to the Bahamas without us. Seriously, who goes to the Bahamas during fall? Rich people like my parents, that's who. 

"Happy Thanksgiving, sis!" Joane said as soon as I opened the door. Sebastian came along with her. Josh was the first one to arrive, and since we were kind of dating (but not really), he helped me set everything up and we cuddled and watched movies afterwards. Everything seemed to be going well today. Tiffany arrived with her on-and-off boyfriend, Dicko. Of course, that's not his real name, but because he was such an asshole, Josh and I liked to call him that. We have been calling him Dicko for as long as I can remember, and now I forgot his real name.

"I swear to god, Tiff has Stockholm Syndrome." Josh whispers into my ear, careful not to let anyone else hear. I hit him lightly on the shoulder, "Don't say that! But, I guess it's true." I admit, and he sends me a cheeky smile.

"I literally saw you the other day, but it's always great to see you, Katty!" Tiff says, hugging me tightly. She had a dead-lock grip. I could barely breathe, "Happy Thanksgiving. You too." I wheeze out, before she lets me go and my lungs don't feel so suffocated anymore. I send a smile towards her boyfriend. Dicko sends me a small smile back, "Happy Thanksgiving." He says, but he looks anxious. "You too, man." Josh replies for me. 

As we sat down for dinner, the groovy tunes of 'Love My Way' by The Psychedelic Furs played in the background from my bluetooth speaker as I put my playlist on shuffle. Sebastian was the one to cut the turkey, as everyone appeared too lazy to do it. 

We had a lot of fun, especially since something inside me made me feel content with everything. I think it was because I saw myself with Josh and I saw Sebastian with Joane. We had worked pretty hard and sacrificed a lot of things to get to where we are now with Josh and Joane. But something, deep down, was screaming for Sebastian. I wrote it off as just missing playing pretend, I wouldn't ever admit it out loud; but I had fun fake-dating Sebastian. But I knew it wasn't that. 

There were so many unanswered questions, but we chose to ignore it when we were pretending, thinking it would all go away. But it's over now, and it's still eating me alive. What was the deal with Sebastian saying he was starting to have feelings for me? That was the biggest question of all, and perhaps the most important one. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to ask him about it. 

i was snapped back into reality after a spacing out, thinking about all this.

"Earth to Kay?" Joane says, waving her hand at my face. I blink and shake my head, "Sorry, you were saying?" I say, pretending to listen. "I asked you a question, babe." She giggles. "Oh, right. What was it?"

"Are you and Josh dating?"

I turn to Sebastian immediately, who had his lips pursed, and his hand gripping the napkin so tight I was afraid it would tear in half. Then, I turn to Josh, who smiles right back at me with his cute face. "Um...I don't think we've made it official, right?" He says, I nod. He couldn't have said it better. "Yeah. I guess we are." I reply nonchalantly. I didn't want to make it into a big deal like Joane did. I didn't even have to ask if she was dating Sebastian or not, she already made it 'facebook official' last week. 

Sebastian grits his teeth subtly, but I noticed it more than anyone. "You guys are so cute!" Tiffany gushes at us, "Aren't they adorable, baby?" She asks Dicko, who agrees only to satisfy his girlfriend. 

Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking on the wooden floor startles all of us. Sebastian had dropped his wine glass. And his white shirt was now stained red. "Shit, I'm sorry, Katherine." He looked genuinely apologetic. I shake it off, "It's fine! Are you alright? Did you get cut?" He shakes his head in response. "Here, come with me. I'll help get you cleaned up." I take him to the kitchen but not before taking care of the wine and broken glass. "I think I have another one of your shirts in my drawer, you can go get them if you'd like." I say, not realizing how awkward I was going to make it. He nods, unsure of how to respond. Five minutes later, he comes back with his black dress shirt. I always thought he looked best in it. 

"Hey, can we talk?" He asks as he leans on the kitchen counter to watch me clean up. I turn to him a hum in response. "About what?"

"Us."