His Safety Net

Chapter 25

       I thought it would have helped to tell everyone in my family one by one so I didn't have to work up the nerve to tell everyone at the same time. Apparently, it was just making me feel tired of having to tell everyone separately.

       "Wait, no, this isn't me saying that you have to tell your father soon," Mom said, probably thinking that my silence was because I felt pressured to tell Dad. "It was just me wondering if you're going to tell anyone else."

       "I did," I said. "Orchid and Alan knows. Just... just them."

       "Oh," Mom said. "Well, I'm happy you were able to tell them. And, again, this isn't me saying you have to tell your dad but I know he's going to be just as supportive as I am."

       "I don't know, it kind of sounds like you're trying to get me to tell Dad."

       "Really, I'm not. You should tell him when you're ready, not when someone else says you should. I'm just--"

       "Mom, I'm joking. I know what you're trying to get at. Believe me, I want to tell Dad but... I don't know. It took a lot of energy to tell Orchid and Alan. A-and stuttering. A lot of stuttering..."

       "It's okay," Mom said. "Just take your time. You shouldn't feel pressured to come out or anything."

       "I know," I said. "Thanks."

       Mom and I continued to cook dinner for everyone, though after the meat was cooked, there wasn't much I could do since I really didn't think I could hold a knife in my hand without feeling those urges, or without being reminded of the pain I go through.

       Dad came up the stairs from the clinic, immediately walking into the kitchen to see what we were cooking. "You know, one day we have to cook bacon for the taco salad as well."

       "You just want bacon in everything," Mom said.

       Dad shrugged as he opened the bag of tortilla chips that was set on the counter for dinner. Mom told him not to get into any, but he ignored her and grabbed one anyway.

       As Mom was trying to get Dad to not eat all the food we were preparing, I suddenly got an idea in my mind. I had been struggling telling others about me being gay because I went with a complicated explanation about me and Jerome. I never really just said it in a simple way.

       Maybe to tell Dad, all I should do was say it as simply as I could. Just two words.

       "Dad, I'm gay," I said without actually meaning to say it at this second. It just came out all because I was thinking about it, and trying to get myself to say it.

       Dad stopped trying to get another chip as he looked at me. Mom looked at me too, a shocked expression on her face since I was just telling her how it took a lot of energy for me to tell people.

       "You are?" Dad asked.

       I nodded.

       "Well, I guess that explains why you looked so flustered that one time Jerome was in your room with you."

       "D-Dad, n-no. I... I wasn't flustered. I was... tired. I told you that."

       "Uh huh," Dad said with an amused smile on his face as he went back to eating from the bag of chips. 

       "S-so... You're not mad or... anything?"

       "Why would I be?" Dad asked. "I know you've been a bit happier. That's all that matters." He then walked over to where I was standing and gave me a hug. "Thank you for telling me. It was probably hard for you, and I'm proud of you."

       I smiled softly as I hugged my dad back. "Thank you."

      I didn't feel too happy right now after telling Dad, though. Not because I wasn't ready to tell him or anything. But because that was how things went. I should be happy right now, but I just couldn't.

       I hope this depressive episode passed quickly, but I knew it probably wasn't going to.

       At least I was able to eat a bit of my dinner. There are times where I could barely stomach a bite, but I was able to eat everything that was on my plate. Granted, I didn't fill up my plate much to begin with but I still ate.

       Once I finished eating, I decided to go upstairs to my room to try and relax a bit. Though that was probably going to be hard with what I was feeling right now.

       I flopped down on my bed with a heavy sigh. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to feel even the tiniest bit of positive emotions.

       I felt nothing. Not happy, not inspired, not even content.

       I just felt... hopeless. Sad. Fatigued.

       Empty.

       And I didn't know how long it was going to last this time.

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but yay for nolan telling grayson :) it was actually (i'm pretty sure) nolan's first time saying, "i'm gay." i'm so proud of my boy <3

sorry for the short chapter, again, but these are leading up to some drama. i mean what?