HIM .. Joe Goldberg

CHARLIE

"Would you rather prefer Sugar Tits? I could go there." Charlie laughed a rich chortle. Everyone in the subway turned to look at him. He seemed to like the attention, because he went on and on and on.

He and I go into his car, a slick Cadillac with the windows tinted. Black. Charlie likes to blend in with the shadows, except when the time was in his favor. Hannah was in the backseat, rolling a blunt with Mira, only at the time I didn't know them. Hannah was singing along to Billy Idol, and her voice sounded perfect in the most angst, sorrowful kind of way. Hannah Davidson is an absolute dream, you didn't need to be sexually attracted to her to realize that she was divine. Long dark hair, sun-kissed skin sprinkled with freckles. Her eyes were hazel, and long eyelashes made them even more hypnotizing. A petite nymph, she can fit in your arms while my thighs are around you waist, Joe. How would you like that, love? A blonde and brunette, kissing your neck and rubbing themselves against your cock. Are you getting the hard at the thought? Picturing yourself as our greedy, lustful king?

As soon as Charlie settled himself into the driver's seat, he reached over and kissed both Hannah and Mira on the lips. Mira was shy as ever, pulling away at my glance. Hannah was the first to speak, and I feel like this is what set up our entire friendship: "A cutie, Charlie. Good for us. She coming to Solstice?"

A solstice party, celebriting the start of summer. June twenty-first. A few days later, on June twenty-eighth, I'd turn seventeen. Charlie stared at me as he spoke, he was biting his lip. "That's all up to you, my little Goddess. Venus, what do you want to do tonight?"

I giggled ironically. "Wrong goddess."

For a moment, Charlie was puzzled. "What?"

"I'm Britannia, more associated with Minerva than Venus."

I should of known the look in Charlie's eyes at that moment. I was locked into his existence, as quickly at the click of a door shutting. He saw a future in me, he saw potential.

Oh, Joe. I was so sad before he met me. So confused. So insecure. I felt like the fucked up black sheep that everyone wanted to shoot at and kill. Charlie made me feel proud of my differences, made me feel not so out of place. And his followers were what made me stay, cemented my density into his purpose. My sisters are everything to me.

Charlie and I fuck to Pink Floyd that first time. Dark Side of the Moon. You know that one? It was during Money when he climaxed, clutching onto my shoulders and moaning into the crook of my neck. He spat when he groaned. I was a virgin, I thought this was the great thing everyone talked about whenever sex was mentioned.

However, later that night, he preached like Jesus. It all made sense to me. Jim Jones to his followers, Charles Manson to Sharon Tate's murderers. Marshall Applewhite. David Koresh. All in all, there are thirteen disciples to Charlie, including me. All female. We roam Center City, looking for potential followers, trapping them into the same alternate universe I spent my early twenties in. Now, I couldn't imagine leaving Charlie. Even with you in the picture, Joe, Charlie and I have done too much.

He brought the heated metal to my thigh when he thought I was about to snitch to my mom. We can't have that, he said. You're mine, forever and always.

The shitty brand got infected afterwards, and even while it heals you still can't tell that it's the CS it's supposed to be. An ugly mark, Joe. I wish I could keep it hidden but I know you'll find it sooner or later.

Hannah brought assurance. She came when I was shuddering and weeping over my wound and pressed a pack of ice against it. She pulled my head against her small breasts and said that everything was going to be okay. Hannah then showed me that she had that same mark I was just given. I cried into her chest throughout the night.

It was later that week when I saw you walking through the park. You were with my sister, though neither of you saw me. That's when I took the photo that is now under my pillow. I recognized you from my before time, when things were remotely normal. I always thought you were handsome.

Later, while I envision the night with you, Charlie and I read Dale Carnegie. How to Win Friends & Influence People. I was taking mental notes. I am the only one of his disciples that likes to read, Joe. Isn't that desirable to you? When things were still innocent and Charlie was still digging his claws into me, I showed him my library, and he showed me his. It was the most intimate moment I've had with a man.

I'm so sorry, Joe. You probably think I'm dirty. I like to think I changed, at least a little.

Tonight, Charlie cuddles my front as Hannah hugs my back. They substitute for the parents that never cared. I was a teenager when I first realized how strong dependence truly was. Sometimes, I feel like I messed up beyond redemption. I'm too far out, too broken, too used. Then I see you, and the way you look at me, and the way we can laugh and joke and talk about books and the stories we've read and experienced. You make me want to live, Joe. You make lovin' fun.

Happy New Years! <3