Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

12 - unbalanced

Aaron took good care of me last night.

When I arrived home I was a drunk mess and tears had been streaming down my eyes the whole walk home.

Every time Aaron asked me what was wrong I just cried harder and eventually he sat me down, played a movie, and then carried me to bed once I fell asleep.

Being rejected by Timothée felt like a stab in the chest.

I thought he might have had feelings for me too, that we'd opened up to each other so much the past few weeks and maybe he'd want to close that bit of space between us just as much as I did.

But I was so wrong to think like that.

The foolishness that overtook me last night as I leaned in to kiss him was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I stopped being open when my mother died, I stopped being honest and vulnerable and I stopped showing my true feelings about people.

When my mother died, the goodness in me died with her.

That's why I lie to Noelle, that's why I get so angry at Sam, that's why I'm easy to piss off and annoy and that's why I'm not an all around nice person.

But with him everything is different. I feel like that girl again. The girl I used to be. I feel like I can say anything to him and he won't judge me for it, I feel like I can be who I want to be and he'll accept me no matter what. I feel like I can be the best version of myself with him.

But I was a fool to think we could be more.

We're friends. Nothing more nothing less. He knows I'm not good for him, he knows I'm deadly. He wants to keep his distance from me and I get that.

But I wish he wanted me like I wanted him.

***

It's been a week full of awkwardness and tension.

I get my cast off today and it's the only thing I've been looking forward to all week long. Timothée says he'll meet me at the hospital where I'm getting my cast off.

I don't argue.

Timmy's been going everywhere with me all week. He shows up whenever I'm at work, he takes me out to lunch after soccer practice, he even drives me back home every day after school.

He's been good to me. The way he always is. The events of last week haven't changed the way he treats me. But his goodness is accompanied with so much awkwardness and I can't stand it anymore.

I'm always catching him staring at me, giving me weird looks that I can never understand. Our conversations are sometimes halted with awkward silence. So much tension lingers in the air between us and I blame myself for it.

I did this. I caused this. He wouldn't be on edge all the time if I had just kept my distance with him at that party, on that sink, with his face inches away from me and his hands clutching onto my shirt.

I should have controlled myself.

'Are you nervous?' It's Aaron speaking to me. For a moment I forgot he was even in the waiting room with me. I've been so consumed by my thoughts that I sometimes feel like I'm living inside my own brain.