Home Is Where The Heart Is

3

"I see how you be looking at me, wearing them little shorts. That's cute, yeah. Gonnabe like your Mama for sure. Smiling, wearing your hair a certain way to see if I'd notice. I notice you baby girl. Trust, I notice you real well. Why don't you come sit by daddy." Patting the seat on the sofa next to him. I was waiting on my mother to finish getting ready to go to the grocery store. Ken and I were suppose to go. She walked into the room and he quickly moved away as if nothing was going on. She called for us to go get in the car, but he had a change of plans. "It's okay baby. Cam can stay here with me, i think we need a Daddy-Daughter day." With that, she took Ken and they were off. I remember how much I wanted them to stay. He checked outside to make sure she was gone. He came back and sat down next to me, this time with his hand on my leg. I pushed it off. " Dad what are you doing... Stop... No". But, his mind was made up. My voice was lost in his choice, and I no longer was able to run away from it. It's like sitting in a room full of people but you're the only one naked. Everyone seeing you, and there is nowhere to hide or run. You find yourself sinking in hole, everyday the hole bringing you deeper until you finally become the hole. " Dad please stop.... Please..." tears fell from my eyes as I winced in pain and cried out for him to stop. He didn't care, and eventually, I stopped screaming. I finally became numb and stared at the ceiling as the world went black.
I woke up in a bed of sweat, heart racing as if I just had finished a marathon. Remembering to breathe, I finally regain my focus. I get up, and go to the kitchen for water. On the stove it says 4:00 A.M.; I had been asleep for less than an hour, but I just knew I wouldn't get any more shut eye. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal, I needed to put something in my system. Maybe shove down the bile that was building. The bile that came with the memory, with the nightmare, with the reality. I always wondered would my mother ever apologize for it. Sometimes I often wondered if I ran into him would I breakdown or would I stab him with any sharp object that was in reach. Was I wrong for holding on to something this long? How could I forgive? I didn't love myself, maybe that's why I started selling myself. I lost all self worth, self value. Almost as if I was a statue out for view, and everyone viewed. Like a target on my back that I don't know how to stop realizing no one is out to hurt myself more than myself. Everyday I let men enter my body, explore my chest, as a pirate steals their gold. Often times I wonder what life would've been without this pain i endured. My thoughts continued to run.
I went sat on the couch and put the TV on, "The Parkers" is on BET. I have always loved that show, it was one of the only ones I could catch on the few stations we had growing up. I lost myself in the TV, and found myself once again back in my memories.