daddy's babysitter | yuwin

special chapter: christmas

Scene 0
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5:03, Yuta's Mansion
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The absence of Mark became more obvious on the day of Christmas Eve. Yuta and Sicheng offered to host the gathering for their son and his friends, just as they did every year, but one seat remained empty. No one dared to sit there. The armchair had a pile of Mark's presents sitting on the worn-in cushion, with nobody to open them. Donghyuck had his cast removed around a week before the get-together, but the pain stayed in his heart. He wanted to tear apart the living room, kick over the tree, destroy the presents.

Rin and Haru were cuddled on the couch next to him, and their kissy noises were enough to make even the bravest soul cringe, so Donghyuck succumbed to the desire easily. He crinkled his nose at them; neither one of them noticed. Jeno and Jaemin were sitting similarly on the floor beneath his feet, but they had the decency to save their affections for a more secluded location. Even their intertwined fingers made Donghyuck's stomach curl.

It was too much too soon. Mark should be with him, sitting with him. They should be making the awful kissing sounds and teasing each other with the mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway.

Donghyuck sighed and swirled the water in his cup. He wasn't rude enough to leave, but he certainly didn't want to focus on the couples surrounding him anymore. A gentle hand placed itself on his shoulder, the owner being Sicheng. The man gestured vaguely toward the kitchen and Donghyuck raised an eyebrow. It's not that he wasn't close with the Nakamoto's, he just found it strange that they had approached him without their son. He followed regardless and was surprised to see Yuta leaning against the countertop, wine glass in hand.

Sicheng was only the messenger apparently because he left as soon as Yuta noticed Donghyuck's presence. Neither spoke for a moment, allowing themselves to give in to the sadness swallowing their hearts even if only for a fleeting second.

"Its hard, isn't it?" Yuta asked, taking a sip of the red liquid in his glass. "To see them all?"

Donghyuck nodded and toyed with the edge of his sweater. Mark had gotten it for him as a joke during their last Christmas together, and it was just as ugly as he remembered.

"They don't understand how it feels, Donghyuck. I don't think they could even begin to understand, honestly."

"It's okay, I don't need people to understand."

Yuta gazed at him skeptically.

"I really don't! They don't have to understand how much I miss him, or how every fucking thing reminds me of us. They don't. I don't want them too ever feel that, actually." Donghyuck jumped onto an empty section of the counter before continuing. His leg was healed, but sometimes the stitches ached when he stood. "I just wish they wouldn't do that, you know?"

"And what's that?"

Donghyuck peeked at his friends through the gap in the kitchen wall.

"I know they love each other, but I wish they'd realize that it breaks my heart. It's Christmas, they're allowed to be happy. But I just wish they wouldn't drag me into it."

Yuta didn't appear to be speaking anymore, so Donghyuck took the chance to vent. If there was one thing that ran in the family, it was their ability to listen to others wholeheartedly.

"I didn't want to come, and I'm sorry to say that. I wanted to sit inside, by myself, and be sad. They haven't given me any time to be sad yet. I need to be depressed, I need to eat a gazillion tons of ice cream by myself and not leave the house for four weeks. I need to grieve, goddamit, not be at a party for a holiday whose entire concept revolves around family." Donghyuck rubbed his palms against his stinging eyes and tried to steady his breathing.

"Then grieve, Donghyuck. You're not their little puppy. I love my son, I really do, but I know how he gets when he is determined."

Silence fell over the two once again, the only sound being Donghyucks occasional sniffle or Yuta's sips.

"I lost someone very close to me once," Yuta whispered.

Donghyuck wasn't sure if he wanted to know the story behind his words, but his mouth seemed to have a different idea.

"How?"

Yuta grimaced. "I met Sarah when she was sad, so very sad and depressed. I had no idea, really, that she felt so awful. When I lost her I couldn't even sit on the couch anymore. The couch was where she sat, where she ate and laughed. Everything was her, her, her. The first Christmas was awful. I tell myself to this day that the only reason I didn't end it right then and there was because of Rin. He saved my life." Yuta paused. He seemed to be contemplating something. Finally, he slammed his glass down on the countertop.

"Who's to say that Christmas has to be happy? Fuck it. If you're sad, be sad, Donghyuck. Don't try and please everyone just because you don't want to bring them down or "ruin the mood". Tell people that you can't make it, go cry in bed all day, eat food, sleep. Christmas isn't happy for everyone, that's the reality of the situation. I know people always say stuff like "Mark wouldn't want you to be sad", cliches, you know?"

And Donghyuck did know. He heard that exact phrase at least one hundred times since the beginning of December, mainly from his friends.

"Maybe he wouldn't want to see you sad, that's true, but he also wouldn't want to see you breaking yourself apart and handing off the happy pieces to whoever you feel the need to satisfy."

Donghyuck must have looked confused, and he really was. The concept was so foreign to him and his self-deprecating mind.

"Think of it like this, you're a pinata."

The boy chuckled at that, salty tears invading his taste buds at the action.

"And this pinata is at a birthday party. You give the kids a bat and they're going to hit it, they're going to try and get to the candy inside. When they do finally hit the good spot, the candy falls. The kids will flock to this candy, right? They'll pick up the good stuff, chocolate, gummies, but they'll leave the licorice and the fruit behind."

"Mark loved licorice," Donghyuck mumbled, leaning back against the cabinets to ease his crying. Yuta laughed softly.

"Your friends are the kids, and the bat is their words. They are going to use their words to persuade you to get to the good part. They don't want to see you sad, they don't like licorice. And when they get to the good part, you're going to give them some genuine smiles and real feelings and fake laughs and fake grins and a whole bunch of "happy things" and they'll take it. They'll take it, and they'll leave the sadness behind. They don't understand that yet. Rin and Haru have no idea that you're upset about them cuddling. Jeno and Jaemin are oblivious to how much you hate watching them together."

Donghyuck nodded thoughtfully along. His heart was shattered, he decided, and it was tired of giving away the good instead of the bad.

"Here, take this." Yuta reached behind him and shuffled through a stupidly decorated Halloween bowl, producing a stick of black licorice. "Rin hates them, go give it to him."

Donghyuck smiled, took the candy, and walked into the living room. Maybe he would feel better about Christmas next year, or maybe he wouldn't, but it was time his friends realized that licorice was only a horrible candy, not a horrible feeling.

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my family and i lost someone very dear to us this year, and I know christmas has been hard so far, even if we're pretending it's not. be aware of these situations this christmas.

happy holidays my lovelies!