Given and Denied

Chapter 5.

I gave a deep sigh as I approached the door that led to my flat and instinctively turned around, just in case he had actually followed me. But nothing. He had surely gone by now anyway, maybe even to the party. I blinked back tears as I realised how stupid I had been. I should have just gone with him, like I had said that I would.
At this moment we should have been entering some posh gaff with  everyone coming up towards us, introducing themselves and eyeing me up wandering who the hell I was. They would smile at me politely, maybe even shake my hand perhaps and then turn towards one another and ask where Silva was!!

I was now stood at the door, fumbling for my keys from inside my bag, when I suddenly heard laughter. I looked up to see a group of young people walking past. They were oblivious to me just standing there as they were enjoying one another's company. I watched as they approached, they were all laughing and chatting amongst themselves, probably they were on their way to a night out somewhere, the theatre to see a show or the cinema to watch a gripping film or maybe they were going to a restaurant where they would be enjoying fantastic food and fine wine or perhaps they were just going to a lively pub where they'd be having plenty of laughs and fun.
I was suddenly very, very envious of them as I just stood there, gripping tightly onto the keys in my hand as they went passed me.
This was absolutely ludicrous!
I should be getting out there, enjoying myself also! Not stood out here contemplating yet another night in on my lonesome!

My stomach lurched suddenly and I gave a huge sigh.
What on earth was I doing, running away like this anyway?
Alan Rickman had asked me to come out with him tonight.
Me!
So what was I actually doing here?
He had also kissed me so passionately, like I had never been kissed before in my entire lifetime and now I had chosen to run away from him?
What kind of an idiot was I?

Oh, Stuff my guilty conscious about Silva, that could surely wait for another day!
I should really be seizing the moment with both my hands and just take it for what it was. A night out in a swanky place with drinks and canapés and posh people!
Why on earth shouldn't I be out there, gaining this experience. It was me whom Alan had actually asked and I must have been mad to refuse him like this!

I took in a big, deep breath, turned on my bare heels then stuffing the keys to the flat inside my bag once more, I headed back towards Trafalgar Square in the faint belief that Alan might still be waiting there. I somehow doubted it however, but I could always live in hope!
It didn't even occur to me to even enter the flat to obtain some replacement footwear, such was my haste to return to where I had just come from.
Admittedly, I was now walking a lot brisker than I had been when walking away, mainly due to the fact that I was actually loathed to be leaving him.
Now with the faintest hope within my heart that he still could be there, I really needed to run.

Turning the corner, the first thing I saw were two of the four huge, black lions that looked out from the base of Nelsons column. I knew I was back now, but where exactly had we been standing when I had made that stupid decision to leave?

I scanned my eyes around the vastness before me.
Trafalgar Square was not small, it would almost be impossible to pick out one solitary figure amongst the crowds all milling about.
It seemed strange to be back here so quickly but it had completely changed with a fresh set of faces that had replaced the ones which I had left behind.
Yes, the man with his little mobile ice cream cart was still there, but he now had new customers waiting to be served. The lone busker, gently strumming at his guitar was entertaining a different crowd too and the artist painting his chalk pictures on the floor had now started a new one. Everything was different in just the few minutes it had taken me to walk away, review my situation before walking back again. Even the lighting had changed with the skies above me now having descended into darkness.  There was still plenty of artificial light so I was able to see things more clearly, mainly now the stuff that had been going on inside my head!!
As I searched the faces of all the people, going about their late evening business, I was finding it impossible to believe just how stupid I had in fact been.
The poor man had done nothing wrong at all, other than shower me with compliments, looked after me and kissed me, I mean what was wrong with all of that?
He had insisted that Silva was nothing more than a close friend to him, so why should I do without any chance of happiness, just because I suspected there might be more to their relationship!
I took in a breath as my stomach twisted again.
I knew why I had walked away.
It was flaming bloody obvious why, and it all had to do with what had happened with Ashcroft Jennings, hiding the fact that he was already engaged to someone else, whilst still leading me on!
Okay, we had never even kissed one another or go out anywhere, that sort of  stuff only went on in my own imagination but boy he had still managed to hurt me.
I had really fallen so very hard  for the guy and maybe thought that one day we would in fact end up together.
It had all been dreams and fantasies inside my own head though, until he disappeared, quite suddenly and without any sort of explanation, abroad with, as we all found out later, his fiancée!!