Given and Denied

Chapter 4.

I now felt as if the whole of my world had suddenly collapsed all around me. As there, standing before me was the reason for my utter heartbreak.
Silva.
She was looking at me now, possibly waiting for my response. But there was none coming from me.
I had nothing to say, only that my urgency to leave was never more important than it was at this very moment.

"I.... I..... Have to go".    I gulped as my voice began to shake with pure heart breaking emotion.

Silva stared at me.

"Oh.... Please don't". She wailed for about the hundredth time,
"I've got so much to talk to you about, so much to tell you!".

I bet she had, I thought to myself.
I bet she wanted to tell me all about her and Alan's intense  relationship with one another, where they'd been, what they'd done, what he'd said to her, what she had said to him.
Oh God..... All the things I didn't want to know as it would only serve to literally smash my heart into tiny little pieces.
It was now more imperative than ever that I now leave this cozy little love nest, get well away from here and try my absolute hardest to forget about the both of them.

But first I had to find my way out.

I looked around, ignoring Silva's ongoing pleas for me to stay, trying to decipher which one of the many closed doors would lead to the outside world, with my head spinning around like an out of control carousel.
Silva wasn't helping at all in my quest to find my way out either. Perhaps she hadn't realised the effect that her little admission was going to have on me or maybe she wasn't going to show me to the door, because, like she had said numerous times already, she didn't want me to go, so why would she?

I started to feel sick though, as an image suddenly flashed before me.
It was the image of a kiss.
A deep, penetrating kiss full of wanton desire and lust.
A kiss like I'd ever experienced before, from a man whom had left me in no doubt whatsoever just what he wanted from me.
The man had kissed me so passionately last night and had not wanted to let me go. He had wrapped his lovely big, strong arms around my body and had pushed his own so tightly up against mine, I knew he felt truly turned on by me!
I could feel by the intensity of our kissing and by the obvious hardness of something pressing against me that he wanted things between us to go a lot further and to be truthful so did I.

Despite my obvious inexperience I would have definitely given myself to him, collapsed wholeheartedly into the depths of those magnificent eyes of his and let him caress, undress and then make love to me right there at that very moment.
It was something that I most definitely wanted, something that I could have cherished forever and would have surely banished all the negative thoughts and emotions connected with what had happened to me before.

Yet.........
There they were, all over again.
Those thoughts had suddenly resurfaced into my mind once more. The thoughts of a man whom I had convinced myself had actually been with me in bed and had violated me. It had been all so real, so awful in fact that I now suddenly feared that I would never be able to let another man ever touch me again!
Even one that I loved so very much.

Then a terrible thought very suddenly struck me!
What if it had been Alan whom I had ended up in bed with last night!! What if we had actually consummated our deep love for one another, only for me to see and believe that he was indeed, somebody else, like I had done once before on the film set that time!
Oh my goodness..... That could have been it!
It could have actually happened.
It was no dream.
I had been made love to in the most glorious of ways possible last night, only for my mind to start playing its evil, detestable little tricks on me again.
I started to panic.
I needed to escape, for amongst all this uncertainty there was something else too.
Something I couldn't quite put my finger on at this precise moment, yet I felt sure that it would come back to me, if I could just have my own space for a moment and time to think.