Collection

Issues

About me, for Aniqua. (11/26/19)

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I have abandonment issues.

That means that I am terrified of being the one left behind, means I am terrified of everyone I love getting sick of me because it's happened before and I know it'll happen again, means I am terrified of ending up all alone.

My abandonment issues leave me scared to let people in, scared to let them get too close, scared to open my heart because I don't want him to suffer anymore than he already has.

My abandonment issues also mean I am scared to leave, they mean I could never leave because no one is going to love me the way you do and I am scared that no one will ever love me again, they mean I am the idiot who stays even when I know I should go.

My abandonment issues mean that even as I feel myself falling out of love with you, I will not leave you.

My abandonment issues mean that even as our every interaction is starting to tear at what's left of my soul, I will not leave you.

My abandonment issues mean that...they mean that until I'm ready, you are stuck with me.

My abandonment issues are the reason I am sitting on the train at two thirty in the afternoon writing this fucking poem to you because...I love you.

My abandonment issues mean that hating you hurts every part of who I am, but they don't make me hate you any less.

My abandonment issues make me scream, they make me sick, and they are one of the reasons I don't like myself.

My abandonment issues are in my head, but that doesn't make them any less real.

I love you, Aniqua.

And I cannot wait, to let you go.

I feel like we are half in love, half in obsession and I do not know what that means but I want better for the both of us.