Collection

Memories

This is the first poem I ever wrote, back in like 2016 😭 enjoy

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Pablo Neruda wrote about love being selfless and all-consuming
'I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you directly without problems or pride:'

And of course, in love you have to make the other person your priority, your everything

But I might be alone in this,
Loving this way, as if the object of my affection hung the stars and the moon in the sky

(Yes. Every single time.)

I remember things, get flashbacks of moments I've been trying to forget

Skin on skin
Moans in my ear
The faint smell of vanilla body wash
'Yes, right there. Oh god yes'
Hot pink walls surround me and a bright white ceiling hovers above me
A warm body over me, under me, beside me (inside her) - familiar, safe
She feels like home
'I love you Daddy' 'I love you too babygirl'

I've been in love (lust)
I've been needed (desired)
I've been hurt (destroyed)
I've broken my fair share of hearts (and destroyed my fair share of dreams)
It's all blurring together
I can't tell memory from dream, fantasy from reality

'I want you so much'
'You have me baby, you know that'

Lies on top of lies — on top of lies
Late night phone calls and secrets we'd never tell anyone else
Heartbreak, headaches and my hormones off the charts
We were a recipe for distaster and I'm sorry that in the end I was the one who lit the match that destroyed us

These are the ways I tried to love you:
Selfishly
Irrationally
Loudly
Possessively

And for that I will be eternally repentant

I've cried enough to fill the Grand Canyon three, four, five times over

I've done so many things I'm not proud of

'I umm, I have a girlfriend...'
'You have a what?'
'I'm...I'm so sorry.'

I feel the pain of all that I've done, and it weighs me down
It scares me because what goes around always comes back around and I'm not prepared to deal with that kind of karma

Some days I wonder if I'll ever get back to being the innocent girl I once was
On those days I close my eyes and picture that girl looking up at who I am now and I know she'd hate what I allowed us to become

Of course, for monsters like me, there are always other options

I could always go back to who (what) I was: a heartless monster who felt nothing but rage or lust

But I could never abandon myself to it, even though every part of me aches for that emptiness

I always make the harder decision
I pull back, I pull it together and I keep moving
But it's getting harder

The memories come more often these days
Girls, girls, and more girls

Warm and so, so soft against me
Hands running over my back, legs wrapped around my waist
'God I love you, you're so good to me,' she says
Grip her tighter, hold her closer, she won't stay for long
She never does

Everybody leaves
As though something forces them away,
Whether it's me, the circumstances, the timing
People always leave
Even the ones who promise to always stay

Frank Ocean sings about unrequited love
"It's a bad religion, to be in love with someone who could never love you"

And some days, I wonder if all of this is worth it

Other days, I find I just don't have the strength to care