Three Seconds

0.1

Fear rushed over me and swallowed my body whole, engulfing me in every corner. My legs were frozen, my heart was pounding louder by the second, my hands were shaking, my breathing was abnormal, and I couldn't control anything happening to me. I tried my best today to distract myself and ignore the never-ending ache in my chest, and there he was, the physical reminder. His back was towards me, but I could recognise him from a mile away, it must be him. I wanted to be strong and disguise my fear and make him fear me instead. But, that wasn't going to happen, compared to him I was tiny and un-intimidating.

Seeing him for the first time in an exact year today can't have been a coincidence, there must've been a plan in the works. Immediately after that thought, my paranoia kicked in and I was looking around everywhere to ensure there was no one around. Everywhere I looked, everything was normal. I looked back towards the man, dressed in full black with his messy hair, giving his order to a lady at the counter. The more I looked at him, the more my eyes were tearing up, and I couldn't, I wouldn't let him see me like this. Over my dead body. The second I was about to turn around and run, he turns around and locks eyes with me.

It's not him.

Relief gushes over me, but the reminder is still apparent in my mind, unable to remove the evident ongoing fear. It wasn't fair, I had been trying so hard to forget what today was and be able to continue with my life, the idea becoming almost impossible. Forcing the tears back down, I decided against getting a drink and after forcing my legs to move, I ran the opposite direction, towards my car.

Once I got in, the tears wouldn't stay down any longer and heaved themselves out. My breathing was rapid due to the running and crying. I needed my inhaler, I couldn't find it making me panic and quickening my breathing even more. I didn't think I could do this anymore, it had been such a long year without their presence. Everyone said the pain caused by their absence will heal with due time. But, it was a year today and it hasn't become any easier. People move on from this pain and accept it, but I just couldn't bring myself to accept what happened. Finally, I found my inhaler that I hadn't used in a year in my car box.

I didn't want to think about it anymore and needed to get out of there as soon as possible. After using it my breathing was better, but my heart and head was still in agony. I drove the car without a destination, trusting where it was going to take me. The sound of the wheels of my car scraping against the bumpy concrete ground beneath me was the only thing I could hear. I pull all the windows down even though it was freezing, feeling the wind around me helped me breathe. The sky had started to turn a darker and a much dimmer shade of blue, influencing my mood, making me feel even more dull and moody than I already was. My mind was a mess, my heart was racing, my eyes were tearing up, and my hands were freezing from the cold and adrenaline I was feeling. 

My dark hair was flowing in different directions, getting disorganised and messy. My round, gold rimmed glasses, helped prevent me from squinting so much. My oversized hoodie was stuck to the front of my body due to the harsh wind. My head was throbbing, begging for a rest that I refused until I arrived at my destination. The winter wind in Solihull was blowing in my face, the faster I went, the colder the wind. I went faster and faster, the chill making me shiver.

There, I could see my destination, the place where I would go to clear my mind and relax, as I finally started to slow down in front of the shop. I pulled up in the closest parking available and stepped out. Soon, I came to a halt in front of the entrance door, my heart still aching. The lighting that shone above me spelled out the name of the shop, 'Clover's Cafe'. As I opened the door, I was immediately assaulted by the warmth in the air and the strong scent of coffee mixed with cinnamon, and vanilla scented candles. Closing my eyes while inhaling a deep breath through my nose, and exhaling quickly, I felt more at home here than I did at my own home. I closed the door behind me quickly, trying to keep the cold air out.