Stay With Me

Ch 5. The Real Issue

"Like what...?"

"Huh?"

"You've never been with someone like what?"

"Like...intimately? Like lovers? Or boyfriends or...I don't know what we are. What would you call it?"

Cheng Qing shrugged and for a moment he was confronted by the reality of what it must be like to be faced with his reticence. He wanted Cheng Qing to say something. Not just shrug his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not being very clear."

"What is it you are trying to tell me?" Cheng Qing finally asked when Feng He's pacing increased but he stopped talking altogether.

"Do you know what you are asking me to do?" Feng He asked the man sitting calmly in front of him while he felt like everything was spinning out of control. "If we are together like you want to be everything will change. Nothing will be the same afterwards. But you want to act like it doesn't matter. Like it doesn't make a difference."

"That's not true." Cheng Qing defended himself and it gave Feng He pause.

"Isn't it." He asked with less certainty. "You just want to jump in; to hell with the consequences."

"Stop thinking that I am easy. This is not easy for me. I just know that I love you and I want to be with you." Cheng Qing said in a low voice infused with feeling.

"But what if it doesn't work. What if we break up? What if we can't actually get through this without it ruining your career and making us miserable? I will lose you and..." Feng He's voice broke and he couldn't continue for a long while as unexpected tears filled his eyes and emotion clogged his throat.

Cheng Qing looked at him with wide eyes and worry. Holding his thoughts in as Feng He poured out his. Giving him the time and space he needed to explain his worries. It was a good plan because when Feng He could finally continue, it was with a calmer softer voice and a new conviction.

"I can't lose you again. When you went away...it was hell for me. I hated you when you got here but I got so used to you so fast, that if felt like you'd cut a part of me out of my chest when you left. But trying to figure out how this will work has me bewildered and the thought of losing you is unbearable. You can't leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"Not for any reason."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"Not even if our parents get divorced."

"Our parents will not get divorced."

"You don't know that. You don't know that we won't break up. You don't know that there might be a day when you want nothing more to do with me and...

"What if you're the one who doesn't want anything to do with me anymore?" Cheng Qing asked softly – like saying it any louder gave power to the unpleasant prospect. "What happens to me then? Am I supposed to let you go? Most definitely not. I'm not letting you go under any circumstances."

It was that conviction that finally got through to Feng He. When Cheng Qing got up and came towards him and pulled him into his arms in a gentle hug. "I love you."

"Ugh...I love you too." Feng He said against Cheng Qing's chest. Disgusted with his fear. Disgusted with his worry. Wondering why he couldn't just focus on the things they had going for them the way Cheng Qing seemed capable of doing with ease. "But what if..."

Cheng Qing kissed him silent. "I know you're scared...

"Aren't you?" Feng He asked.

"I'm only scared that you won't want me. That you will ask me to leave. That no matter how much I want to be with you, I will do whatever you say and I will regret it for the rest of my life." Cheng Qing said honestly. "Please don't send me away."