Project Baby Spider * Peter Romanoff

-09

29 June 2001

****

ONCE AGAIN, NATALIA WAS lying on top of her small bed. She found herself starring at the wall etched with many, many small lines, keeping count of how many days she had been alone with only the fetus inside of her as company. The abundance of scratch makes appalled Natalia; those lines felt more like a burden than something of hope now.

When she first started keeping track of the days, she was optimistic and kept hope in her heart. Now — seven months in — she grew pessimistic and knew little hope.

Natalia had gotten to the point that she dreaded counting the lines. Each new line etched into the wall only meant one more day in this isolation — in this hell.

Madam B had told Natalia that she would be in a room by herself to ensure the safety of their "subject." And Natalia wanted nothing but safety for her baby since she found out she was with child, so she saw no harm in the isolation. Now, however, she sees how much harm this has done her.

     Some days she didn't count the marks. But the curiosity of how many days she could pity herself over drew her over to the wall and moved her pointer finger from line to line.

     Once she had finished counting, she felt nothing but dread and frustration. Sure, one more mark meant one more day closer to leaving, but that thought was outweighed by the amount of time she has wasted in this room and how how she cannot leave yet.

     Natalia wanted nothing more than to feel the cool, crisp Belarus wind run across her skin again.

     "I'm so sick and tired of this room," she whispered. Her eyes didn't leave the marks on the wall. "I've been stuck in here for so long. I haven't left in months."

     Natalia's hands found their way to her eyes and pressed them hard, trying to hold back her tears. It didn't work.

     The tears that escaped her pressure were tears of anger and longing. She was angry at every person who kept her locked in this tiny room. She was angry about how naive and optimistic she allowed herself to be at the beginning of Project Baby Spider; she should've known better than to think this would all be okay — that she'd be okay.

     She longed to leave the confinement's of the walls around her — to go outside. She missed the warmth that spread threw her body as the sun's rays soaked into her pale skin. She missed the sound of the trees dancing in the wind while birds chirped a tune to one another.

"It's all your fault," she mumbled to the growing fetus in her stomach. "If you weren't in me . . . if you didn't even exist I would be with the other girls . . . preparing for graduation." She closed her eyes and took in a deep breathe through her nose and let it back out through her mouth.

"Sometimes I wish you never existed."

Natalia cried harder. Tears raced down her cheeks and landed on her bulging stomach.

"I'm sorry. That was mean." She sighed through sobs. "You are both a curse and a blessing," she said as a few more tears fell. "A curse for keeping me locked away, but a blessing for being the only biological family I can ever have."

Natalia didn't wipe the tear streaks form her eyes as she continued to sit on her bed, deep in her thoughts.

Her mind wandered to different scenarios of her life — different realities she could be living instead of this hell. She could have never been given to the Red Room by her parents and gone to "normal" school. Or, she could be just simply with the other girls. She would have someone to socialize with when training was not in session.

"I wonder what they're doing." She thought of the other girls. "They don't have a baby on the way to worry about. They'll never have to worry about a baby."

Natalia wiped the tears from her eyes and slowly scooted to the edge of the bed. She put one hand under her belly and the other helped pushed herself off the bed.

Once she full gained her balance — which she struggled to do at this stage of her pregnancy — she walked to stand in front of the solid metal door that kept her hostage.

Starting at the door, she took a deep breathe and then screamed. She screamed as loud as she could and used her whole body to push it out.

After a few second, she grew lightheaded. She put her forehead against the cold metal door and silently cried.

"I hate this."

****

EDITED/REWRITTEN
ouch.

-Nat