Behind the Scenes of an Eating Disorder

January 2019

January 2019 was when I found out I had anorexia. I knew I had issues with food, but I finally found out what I could call it. I call her Britany because she is a bitch (insert it's Britany bitch saying here). I had a hard childhood, which is what caused me to hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate my face, I hate my personality, but I hate my body most of all. Especially my stomach. When I look in the mirror, my stomach is all I see. I look like a fat frog is what I tell myself. My stomach sticks out so much and it's all I can see. I view myself as overweight and disgusting. At least that's what Britany tells me. I knew it was a problem when I had swim practice after school, and I almost passed out because I didn't eat anything. My parents were on a work trip at the time, so I called them to tell them that I thought I should see someone about it. My mom was super supportive at the time and sounded like she was supportive of getting me help. That is until she came home.

All my mom could say was, "what did you eat today?" or, "did you eat?" It seemed like she couldn't even ask how I was, and food was all she cared about. I know I sound like a selfish bitch. I used to throw food in the toilet or just not eat at all. I hated lying, but that was all I could do because I was scared. My mom is a very intense person. She always wants to be in control, and it seems like I was always in her control, and Britany was the only thing I could control. But she was the one controlling me.

Whenever I ate I hated myself. I tried throwing up multiple times. It never worked. I guess that's for the best but it's still hard fully believing that. I was an exercise freak since throwing up didn't work. I tried working out so much to lose the weight. I can't tell if it worked or not because my mom took away my scale. When I went to the doctors I saw my weight and started crying. I'm 5'8 and I weighed 110. I thought I was so fat. I still think I am, but somebody who is 5'8 is supposed to weigh 140 pounds at least. Numbers didn't matter to me too much because I knew whatever number I saw I would still hate my body but my "goal" was 100 pounds. Thankfully, I didn't get that low because I knew I would have to have gone to inpatient and I did not want that.