A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever

Chapter Six

"I was lost, scared, and alone. Everyone had someone or something, and I just seemed to fail at everything all the time. You once told me that I was a force to be reckoned with when I was driven by anger, and somewhere along the way I just fell apart and allowed anger to surpass my misery.

"Dumbledore had expectations of me and I couldn't fail yet another thing. I felt like I had already lost everything, everyone. So I just – I," she hesitated, "I took off. I left without caring about how it would affect everyone around me. Maybe there was a small part of me hoped that it would hurt everyone like I had been hurting. That's terrible, I know. I'm not proud of it.

"But then I actually got busy with my mission and it was easy to forget about everything else. I felt free from my worries back home, and for once I actually felt like I had my own purpose. I realize I should have written and not avoided your efforts to find me. I don't really have a good explanation for why I did that, other than the fact I wasn't ready to come back to my old life just yet. I became a different person while I went away. I didn't want to stop being her."

"You don't have to be a different person, Mar," his voice was hoarse. "You are perfect the way you are."

"I needed to learn that on my own," Marlene said sadly. "I am sorry. I truly am."

His face relaxed noticeably and he let out a sigh. "How do we go forward from this Marlene?" he asked, and though he appeared much calmer, the frustration in his voice still lingered.

"What do you mean?" she asked slowly, because she wasn't entirely certain what it was that he was asking. Of course she had a pretty good guess, but she didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

"Us."

His stare was intent and unwavering, and she couldn't look away as she pressed him for further clarification. "What about us?"

"What about us? Really!?" Finally his anger became noticeably apparent for the first time all evening. "You walk out of my life for half a year and then just expect me to lose you again?"

"We aren't together anymore Sirius," she reminded him. The expression on his face flickered and he looked stunned as though she had slapped him.

"I suppose not," he said finally, sounding pained as though he was only just realizing the fact for the first time. "But I still love you, Mar. I wasn't lying when I told you that. You do know that right?"

"Yes," she answered, believing him. She felt weak. "I love you too. But that doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't it?"

"No Sirius," she sighed. He had told her that he didn't expect her to wait around for him, and she had told him that she would. Even though she still felt her promise to be true, she wasn't quite ready to head down that road just yet. "All we do is hurt each other. You were right to break up with me."

"I wasn't." He shook his head and his long hair moved with the movement. "I've never been more wrong about anything in my life."

"Sirius Black, admitting to being wrong?" She feigned shock in an attempt to bring an ounce of humor into the conversation. "I think I must be dreaming."

"Ha ha," he said dryly. "I'm being serious Marlene. In case you weren't aware, this isn't really a good time to be cracking jokes."

"It's the perfect time to be cracking jokes," she disagreed. "The tension in here is stifling."

"I'm not giving up on us, Marlene," he ignored her. "I won't make that mistake again. I didn't expect for you to wait around and I told you that, but I've spent every day since you left regretting how we ended things and not knowing whether or not I'd ever have the chance to tell you how I feel."