A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever

Chapter Six

Sirius drew in a shaky breath. "Is this what it felt like?" his eyes remained closed and his voice was low.

"Hmm?" she didn't understand. Her eyes were suddenly trained on where her finger had trailed downwards to his lips. She felt an increasing need to devour him even though she knew it wasn't the right time. It seemed that she would never get over the infatuation she had where Sirius was concerned.

"When I was gone," he sighed. His eyes opened and he removed both of his hands from around her to cup her face. "When I disappeared over Christmas, or when I was gone for weeks at a time. Is this how you felt?"

"Yes," she stared into his eyes, not bothering trying to decipher the emotions they held. She didn't know exactly what he felt like, but she could take a pretty good guess that the feeling was quite similar to the ones she had held onto during his times away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered softly, and it sent a shiver down her spine.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Marlene could feel the trace of a scowl beginning to form on her face. He obviously noticed it too because he let the smallest of smiles tug at the corner of his lip.

"I do. I am. I didn't truly realize how my actions were affecting you," he insisted. The smile disappeared and Marlene wondered if she had only imagined it. "When you left without saying goodbye, when we didn't hear from you, or couldn't find you, and then as the weeks turned into months and nearly everyone had chalked you up for dead –"

His eyes cast downwards away from her penetrating gaze, and she could see the hint of tears beginning to form in the corners once more. It was devastating to watch him come undone like that. Because of her.

"I wasn't expecting this reaction Sirius," she admitted sadly.

"What? That I obviously care? I've been a mess." He suddenly sounded bitter and she flinched.

"I know you care," she felt embarrassed, "I just was expecting, uh, less tears and – more yelling."

"You thought I would be angry?" He looked back at her again, his face expressionless for the first time all evening.

"Yes."

"Oh I am." Suddenly, his brows began to furrow, like he was coming out of a daze. "I'm very angry Marlene. But all I care about right now is that you are here with me; safe, alive. Nothing else matters right now. Nothing."

His hands dropped from her face and Marlene felt an unwelcome surge of disappointment. She didn't want him to stop touching her. In fact, she wanted him to touch her more...

Sirius loves you. Remus's words passed through her mind and she desperately wished for them to be true.

Because she still loved Sirius. She had never stopped loving him, and she doubted that she ever would. They had such a complicated relationship which was easy to consider a failure in comparison to the one that Lily and James shared. But she and Sirius weren't Lily and James, and what they did have was nothing short of extraordinary in their own way.

Had. Past tense. Marlene didn't have that with him anymore. Not really.

Sirius moved away from her and took to the couch. He moved so that there was enough room beside him, indicating that he expected her to join him. She sat back down into the chair she had previously occupied instead, and Sirius did not reveal outwardly whether her distance bothered him or not.

"I know I did this wrong. I won't pretend to think my excuses are justifiable means for my actions, but I feel like I owe them to you anyways. Especially since an apology won't get me very far." She gave him a feeble smile which he did not return. His expression remained hard and unrelenting; it was clear he was expecting an explanation.