Clarity ~ m.c.

•Chapter 10•

"Why does everyone think they understand!" I snapped standing up now pacing back & forth in front of Luke. "No one will ever understand!" I yelled now breaking down and falling to the floor, crying. What is wrong with me? I can't control myself. I'm so sick and tired of people thinking they understand, I've been through too much for people to even comprehend what I went through.

"Lauren what happened? I want to help, but I can't unless you tell me what happened." Luke said rushing over to me and brought me over to the bed to sit.

I started telling Luke everything and I mean everything. Everything from barely having money to pay the bills to live in our apartment to not having enough money for food and having to go hungry some days just so Emm and Andrew would eat, from everything my dad did to me, including rapping me sometimes and not going to school some days because I was in too much pain from the beatings and how gymnastics was my safe haven and I would spend hours there just to stay away from him, that I would have to bring Emily and Andrew with me so they wouldn't be near our dad. Then leading to Michael and Geordie and what has happened the past few days; my whole life story basically.

To be honest, talking it out helped a lot, back home I didn't really have anybody beside Dominique. I guess I've been bottling it up for so many years that all I needed to do was to talk it out. I looked over at Luke when I finished, he didn't say anything and I couldn't really tell if he was shocked or what.

"If I ask you something, can you promise not to take it the wrong way?" he asked and I nodded.

"After hearing all this, why didn't you ever . . ." he paused trying to think of a way to put it.

"What self-harm? Kill myself?" I said filling in the blanks and Luke looked ashamed that, that's what he was trying to say. "It's okay Luke I wonder that myself sometimes." I said trying to show that it was okay for him to ask that.

"Well why haven't you?" he asked out of curiosity.

"Emily and Andrew" I simply answered. "It was months after my mom's death and the beatings had been going on for a few months. It was late at night and I locked myself in the bathroom, I had the razor in my hand but I couldn't bring myself to cut yet and was thinking about it when Emily knocked on the door asking if she could sleep with me because she couldn't fall sleep; she prevented me from cutting." I explained to him.

"A few weeks later I was late coming home from gymnastics because I didn't want to come home and I missed the bus." I paused not wanting to say out loud what I was about to say. "When I came home my asshole of a father was already passed out on the couch and the apartment was a complete mess. Andrew came running to me and told me that dad was pissed off that I didn't come home so he took it out on Emily." I sobbed. "I ran to our room and found her curled up in a ball scared out of her mind with a bloody nose and bruises had already formed around her wrists and her cheeks were dried with tears." I chocked still crying.

"Oh my god" Luke said shocked pulling me in for a hug again to calm me down. "How old was she?"

"8. Mom died in May, this was November and their birthday was in a few weeks."

"What did you do?" he asked.

"She crawled into my arms and I tried to clean her nose and it wouldn't stop bleeding so I took her to the emergency room because she was in so much pain." I explained to him. "I realized then that I had to stay to protect them and I couldn't allow this to happen again."

"What did you do about your dad?"

"When we got back from the hospital Emily was to terrified for me to leave her so she slept with me, the next day I had them lock themselves in our room and I flipped shit on my dad's ass he was not happy but I didn't care, from that point on I took the beatings in order to protect them."

Luke and I continued talking for a while longer; I don't think I've ever opened up to someone this much before.

**

"It's getting late I should go." Luke said checking the time on his phone. We stood up and I walked him downstairs.

Before he left I gave him a hug, burying my face in the crock of his neck.

"You're in a better place now Lauren you don't have to be afraid anymore." He consoled me.

"Thank you Luke." I whispered in his ear and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"You know tomorrow we have band rehearsals, why don't you come over and you can hear us play and talk it out with Mike?" he suggested.

"Oaky. See you tomorrow." I said. We said our goodbyes and I shut the door behind him as he left.

The house was dark but I could hear the TV on in the living room. I walked into the room and found Emily sound asleep on the couch. I turned the TV off and gently picked her up, being careful not to wake her. As I carried her through the house to bring her to her room she nuzzled closer into me. As I pulled the covers over her in her bed I thought about how she was the biggest reason I'm still here and my reason to stay to protect her and Andrew. She saved me.

"Thank you." I whispered and I kissed her forehead, thanking her for saving me.