"I don't know where to start Dad,this hurts so much" Dec wept as he stared at the gravestone.
"Just you not being here,I can't get used to it,I'm not coping very well,I'm trying to but it's not really working.
Ant's here too,this was his idea,thought it might help me somehow,I'm not so sure though.He's been so amazing though,I'm so lucky to have him,I don't know how I would have managed without him"
Dec sighed heavily "not that I'm really managing"
He glanced over to Ant who was watching him intently.
"I don't know what I'm doing Dad or how to move on.You were such a big part of my life obviously from the day I was born.How do people come to terms with the death of their parents?I just don't see how?everyone else seems to be dealing with it,even Mam,so why can't I?
I just can't accept the fact that I'm never going to see you again,never have one of our father and son chats again,never hug you again,never go for a pint with you again.I'd give anything to be able to go for one last pint down the local with you"
Dec sat quietly for a few minutes,deep in thought,letting the tears run freely down his cheeks.
"Did I make you proud Dad?" He whispered sadly,although he was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question.Even though Fonsey was a quiet,modest man who kept his feelings to himself,Dec definately knew how Fonsey felt about him.
He thought back to the eulogy Martin had given at the funeral.
"Yeah,you were proud of me" he smiled.
"I was proud of you too Dad,proud to be your son,proud to be able to call you my father,how lucky was I to be born into this amazing family?
You moulded me Dad,made me the man I am today.The love,support and encouragement you and Mam showed me my entire life helped me get to where I am today and for that,I will always be grateful.
You never once told me I wouldn't make it,never thought I was stupid for choosing the career I did,never discouraged me when things weren't going to plan,was never disappointed with me no matter what stupid things I did,and I did a fair few stupid things,especially when I was growing up.
Thank you Dad,thank you for loving me unconditionally,I know that's a parents job but it just seems you would have gone to the end of the earth and back for me,for all of us,all I can do to repay you is try to be the best man I can,someone you can look down on from your perch up there on that cloud and who you can continue to be proud of"
Decs legs were starting to cramp up in his boyish position on the ground,so he stretched them out and leant back onto his hands,closed his eyes and faced the rare autumn sunshine,feeling the warm glow on his skin.
He stayed in that position,completely silent for a few minutes.It was so peaceful in the cemetery.He listened closely to the birds singing,a dog barking in the distance,the trees rustling in the breeze,he never went to such peaceful places usually and had actually started to feel slightly relaxed,the anxiety about doing this had passed,of course it was emotional,of course it was upsetting but it was also calming,it felt strangely freeing which was something he hadn't expected,seems Ant was right all along,he thought.
"Ant will be so smug that he was right about this Dad" Dec smiled.
"Oh yeah" he suddenly announced with excitement "I've got a puppy!Ant gave me him for my birthday.He's the best thing ever,you'd love him.He's a dachshund and as Ant says,he's small,feisty and cute just like me,can't see the similarities myself,but Ant seems to like telling everyone that,he's called Rocky"
Dec smiled to himself at the thought of the puppy waiting for him back in London that he had already fallen totally head over heels in love with.
"You really would love him!"
