So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 40

Anguish rose up in my chest and throat and I buried my face into my hands as I felt all the pain, grief, and loneliness of the previous six years wash over me. All of it had been for nothing. Maybe James hadn't cheated, but he'd still abandoned me, he'd still shoved me out of his life to flail on my own. And all of it, for nothing better than to feed his obsessive need to punish himself.

"Leila...baby...don't cry. Please don't cry baby." He gathered me into his arms and I was too tired to resist. "I know what yer thinkin'...that I was runnin' again, that I pushed you away cuz I never felt good enough to be loved by you," he said urgently against my forehead as he held me. "But that was only part of it. It goes deeper than that." He paused for a moment, and I leaned back to see misery etched deep into his face as he seemed to be wrestling with his words. "I...I know I seesawed a lot back in those days about you and me. One minute I was on top of the world knowin' that you loved me, that you were my girl...it was everything Leila. It was everything." He brushed some strands of hair from my face as he looked me over. "Bein' with you was better than anything, and I felt like I could do anything knowin' you were in my corner. But then"—he faltered a little—"then the fears would start to do a number on me. Whispering in my ear that I was too much of a fuck up, that I didn't deserve you...but then it got worse." He cupped my cheek again, his gaze locked with mine. "I started to worry that the darkness in me would take you too."

I sat up straight at that admission. "I don't understand. That doesn't make sense, how could it? This is your psyche we're talking about, your demons; they couldn't touch me."

"Unless I lost control," he whispered hoarsely.

James let out a slow, ragged breath, as if he'd been holding it for a long time. He was quiet for a moment before cocking his head to one side and tenderly stroking the back of his finger down the side of my face. "I'm gonna try and explain this Lei, but I need to stop holdin' ya"—his mouth stretched into a wan smile—"cuz, I can't think straight with you in my arms...and I've gotta get this right." I nodded mutely as he slowly drew away and sat back. Almost immediately, he reached for my hand. I didn't pull it away. "When we were younger," he started earnestly, his words slow and thoughtful, "I was always the one to protect you, remember?"

"Always," I whispered. "You always kept me safe."

His jaw tensed with anger. "Except the day I didn't."

My stomach clenched with memories. "This is about Germany? Because of what happened? But you did protect me, you saved me from getting raped...or worse. You couldn't have known what would happen, you can't hold yourself responsible for what he did."

He shook his head gravely. "This ain't about what he did, it's about what I almost did, what I coulda done."

I wrinkled my brow at that in confusion. "I don't understand."

His hand tightened on mine reflexively and I could tell that this was hard for him to talk about. Without thinking, I ran a thumb over the back of his hand gently. His lips twisted into a somber smile as he stared down at our clasped hands.

"I was afraid of me. Of what I might do." He took another deep breath. "I've lived with a lot of anger in my life Lei, you know that. Angry at the world, my parents, my own fears; but I dulled it with booze or fighting, makin' music." He tilted his head and looked at me, his eyes suddenly shining with what seemed to me like wonder. "But nothing ever came close to makin' me feel sane, makin' me feel normal, makin' me feel so fuckin' happy...as you. So when it came to protecting you, there was nothin' I wouldn't do to keep you safe. That day when I saw him hurting you, my anger went deeper than anything I'd ever known; I wanted to kill him Leila."