The Specter of my Life (Frerard)

12 - like the endless sun

happy new year everyone
sorry for not posting over the holidays but after you read this you'll probably know why :))

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Sunflowers, bees, bananas, lemons,....

It's always been a happy color to me when I was a kid. It represents freshness, optimism, and joy but also loyalty, remembrance, energy, and hope. In my world, it means heartbreak and suffering. I was blinded by it and even though it was the brightest thing in the room I felt like everything just went dark.

I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it and I refused to accept it. The worst day of my life and yet it was so bright. I fell to my knees and Gerard hurried to my side. I screamed into my hands and tears created rivers on both sides of my face. I was devastated, to say the least. This wasn't part of the plan.

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"Are you okay?" Someone asked me. I didn't bother looking up.

"No." I said quietly.

"Do you need anything? Water? Some food perhaps?" They asked.

"No." I sniffed. "I need you to leave me alone."

"Okay. Well, let me know in case you change your mind." They said and walked away.

I closed my eyes and a single tear rolled down my cheek. I was exhausted, I was sick of everyone asking if I'm okay. Of course, I'm not fucking okay.

I stood up and looked in the mirror just to check how much of a mess I was. I sighed and adjusted my suit and the little flower in my pocket. I fixed my hair a bit and wiped away all the tears.

"You look good."

"Do I though?" I snickered. "This is a funeral for fuck's sake." Just as I said that more tears escaped my dried out eyes. I have cried so much in the past five days, how am I still producing so many tears?

A knock on the door made me look away from the man in the mirror. I wiped away those stupid tears and called at whoever knocked to come in.

"Frankie, they're ready when you are."

"Thanks, dad." I attempted a smile. He just nodded at me and left again.

"Gosh, I miss you." I whispered.

"I'm still here."

"No, you're not."

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"Frank! What is happening?" Gerard asked me.

I couldn't answer. I didn't even understand the question or more how could he ask such a question. I knew what was happening. I knew what happened and I knew why tears were spilling from my eyes like waterfalls, my brain just refused to catch up. I just watched him and hoped it was just a dream, a really bad one, but a dream.

"I must have looked at the fire for too long." Gerard chuckled while looking around. "Everything's kinda blue."

At that point, I was just sobbing. I couldn't move, talk or so much as think. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up to how I knew the world, just me and my husband and our (relatively) boring lives. I hated the brightness of the room. Through the blurry vision, I kept watching him and he kept asking what's wrong. He didn't move towards me. He just stood right where I found him five minutes ago.

A knock on the door startled me and we both looked that way. Like a zombie, I walked to the door and he followed me with his eyes. When I saw who was standing there my heart sank. This was real.