another life ~fransykes~

Epilogue

7 years later

"And did you really love him?" The therapist asked. I shrugged casually, pondering for a second before answering him.

"I don't know. I was so...naive, desperate for attention. I'm not sure if I was in love with him or the way he made me feel."

"And what did you do after that?" He asked curiously.

"I...didn't know what to do with myself." I confessed. "I had relied on him so long that I couldn't remember what life in the real world was like. I ran as far away as I could, emotionally unstable, covered in blood and without any money or clue where I was. I just kept on running."

"And where did you end up?" He pushed. I sighed and pinched the end of my nose.

"Somehow I ended up in a hospital bed. I guess someone must have seen me covered in blood and though it was my own. The hospital transferred me to a mental health facility where I stayed for a couple of months. I became quite close with one of the workers there, who treated me like a son and helped me get back on my feet when I was finally ready to rejoin the real world. She leant me some money to buy my own apartment and got me a job at a nice little cafe. I worked there was almost a year."

"Why did you quit your job?"

"I met someone." I shrugged.

"In what way?" He tilted his head. I looked at my worn down fingernails like they were the most interesting thing in the world.

"His name was Lee Malia. He use to come to the cafe a lot and we eventually became friends. One day he was talking about the band he was apart of and how the lead singer had dropped out. He asked me if I was interested in trying out for the position and I said yes."

"Do you think it was a good decision to quit your job to become a singer? That's a pretty big risk to take?" The therapist asked.

"Once you've lost as much as I have, you realise you've got nothing left to loose. Might as well take every risk you can." I shrugged. He nodded thoughtfully.

"And how did the band go?"

"Great, amazing, in fact we are still together. We spent a year touring the country before we got signed by a pretty respectable label. I used our music to work through my inner demons and it made it so much easier to come to peace with what had happened to me."

"Do you still think about him now?"

"Of course I do." I sighed. "I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about him. His blood stains my nightmares. Everywhere I go I find something that will bring back a memory of him."

"Do you ever write songs about it?"

"Yes. Hundred of them." I confessed.

"But you never release them songs to the public?"

"No, I don't."

"Maybe you should, maybe sharing your experience to the world will bring you some kind of closure." He suggested. I frowned.

"They never come out right though. They sound more like a jumble of words then actual songs." I explained. "It's hard to write about something that you've spent years trying to repress."

"Have you ever considered facing your past instead of repressing it? Maybe it's time to stop running from the trauma and instead come to terms with it."

"Yeah, maybe it is time to stop running." I replied, looking up into my therapist eyes for the first time this session.

———————

I stood on the end of the pier, looking out into the sea. The same pier I stood on this day 7 years ago with Josh before he pushed me into the water below. It was a grey, rainy day which perfectly reflected how I was feeling right now.

I breathed in the fresh seaside air, trying to keep my breathing even. I hadn't been back here since that day 7 years ago, in fact I hadn't been to any beach at all. Every time I looked at the sea it reminded me of the colour of Josh's eyes as he died right in front of me.

I feel the wind push past me, making my hair fly out of my face. I look besides me and see Josh standing there, looking the exact same as he did 7 years ago. Though I had aged, grown taller, cut my hair, gained more wrinkles, he still looked the same as I remember.

His blank eyes looked out onto the sea as he smiled. I turned away from him, facing back out towards the rocky part of the beach where the water was deeper. I dug through my backpack and pulled out my black notepad.

Lee had bought me this notepad for me when I first joined the band so that I could write lyrics, but since then I've only ever used it to write about Josh.

I flicked through the pages, all of them filled with jumped thoughts and soppy love songs all about him. It was time to let go and finally find closure.

"I'm sorry Josh, I can't keep living for someone who is dead. It's time for me to move on." I muttered into the silence. I ripped the first page of my notebook out, shredding the page into tiny pieces before letting go of them, letting the wind pull them into the sea water. I ripped out another page, then another until the notebook was completely empty.

I watched the small pieces of paper float away with the waves, gracefully floating up and down on top of the blue water. I turned back around, excepting to see Josh standing there but he was gone.

He was finally gone.