I'm finding it harder and harder
To look at you
Like you are the sun
The moon
The world.
Because every time I see you
My heart does this funny leap
And my body tries to squash it
Because I shouldn't feel this way
After you've said so many hurtful things
And hurt so many people.
And I get it, I do
You're stressed and overworked
And have soich going on in your life
But how many more times
Can I excuse you
Before it becomes second nature?
I miss last year
When you weren't as busy
When we spent time together
When I would share my biggest fears
My hopes
My dreams.
I miss when things were easier
And we could just talk and talk and talk
About nothing in particular
Or about everything.
I miss the days
When we just looked at each other
And could tell things were good.
I even miss the times
I spent writing long winded emails
Staring at my phone
Waiting for a reply.
Back then,
You were so sympathetic
Always on my side.
So what changed?
Is it because
You had no experience
Couldn't relate
To the suffocating feeling
Of losing one more shred of autonomy?
Or is that how you genuinely felt?
That it wasn't a big deal because no one would care?
It's not just about people knowing
Or my trust being fucking broken,
It's the fact it wasn't on my terms
Wasn't fair to me
Because I should have said it first
She shouldn't have made that choice for me
Because it was my place
Not hers, and I should've known
It would've happened eventually
Cause she's like fucking Voldemort
Pushing her fucking agenda
Trying to act so fucking inclusive
But instead excluding those who need including the most.
But you wouldn't understand.
How could you?
You married the man of your dreams
And have two amazing kids.
But that doesn't mean
My feelings are invalid.
~september 2019
~btw, sorry for all the swearing....
