I go back
And read my past poems
After watching that stream
And fuck
Turns out my so called friendship with you
Was parasocial
Turns out it takes three years after the fact
To realise you said those words to everyone else,
Whispered encouragements in their ears
Wrote notes in their margins
Smiled at them
Just the same as you did for me.
And what, I thought I was special?
Because my conversations with you were longer
Because my emails were more frequent
Because I was more persistent?
I put in all that work
Just to receive a late reply
A sorry I couldn't make it
Fuck.
And I feel so damn stupid
Because Jesus
What was I thinking?
Why did I think I was special
When all I was
Was annoying?
And you tried so damn hard
But in the end
The truth is you had so many others
And I was just one particularly flashy sign
In a sea of many
And yet I thought you could see me
That the extra lights made me more visible
But you never truly saw me, did you?
At the end of the day
I was just another helpless lost puppy
You had to find a home for
At the end of the day
I was just another person on that bus
At the end of the day
I was just one more piece of work to complete
And you were just doing your job.
